Flynetonline.comBack by popular demand—or was that repulsion?—here's our second batch of inductees into the A.T.'s brand-ass-spanking-new Clit List, you know, the randy roster we began in order to counter that fab new book The Prick Index. If dudes' privates can't be lampooned, why can't gals'? Isn't it sexist to poke one, not the other? We say so!
Following are H'wood broads we consider to be some of the finest female schmucks around, and they deserve some damn credit for it, no?
Reese Witherspoon: Because she can secretly act like a huge you know what and still get everyone to like her—including us. The "good girl" persona is highly successful and has America hook, line and sinker, but behind the cutesy face is one conniving handful, trust. For ince, we've heard all about how she behaved rather coldly during her marriage to Ry-Ry (more to come), but in the end, he gets the bad rep and somehow she still has the poor guy reeling over her. Beware of the shady clits.
Mariah Carey: Now, let's get something clear here: Both formerly squeaky-clean pop stars M.C. and Christina Aguilera are guilty of graduating from the Cheap School of Image Makeovers. But at least Xtina's music is getting a whole lot better as the Rite-Aid-looking years go by, while inappropriately clothed Mar's undeniable talent is overshadowed by guest rappers and hip-hop beats on almost every middle-of-the-road track she releases. Plus, the Hello Kitty obsession is strange, to say the least, as is her choice in husbands, just our opinions. But, like, grow up, girl.
Scarlett Johansson: You know, every time we glance at that fox's face on a magazine, in a movie preview, all we see is our snark heroine of the music scene, Alanis Morissette, getting fat and needing Botox. Sorry, but Scarlett really is the Angelina here to Alanis' Jennifer, seducing hot Ryan Reynolds and all. Not that they were married. Not that they weren't (essentially) broken up, but you get the point. It's just messy running off with a dude like that so slobberingly and then denying it to the press, right down to their engagement, all the while Alanis weeps! Like we said, Angie redux.
—Additional sass by Becky Bain