Dancing with the Stars: A Bachelor Torn Between Two W(h)itneys & A Front Runner Emerges

Can Chris Soules dance? Who is Riker Lynch? One of those questions might be answered!

Things got weird on tonight's Bachelor, you guys.

Chris Soules got so confused that he drove a truck inside then got real up close and personal with the wrong W(h)itney. Nobody made out with anyone – and in fact, Chris expressed some previously unheard of reservations about getting physically close to another woman. There were also way more guys than we thought there were supposed to be, along with a lot more dancing, and here's the real kicker: Chris was pretty good at it.

Have we finally found the one non-farming/non-sexual/non-finger-guns activity that Chris is actually decent at? Sure, there was a pick-up truck involved, and Footloose is a song designed to drive even the clumsiest of farmfolk into inadvertent dance, but did you even see that move where he got real low and swiped his hands over his head really fast? Dude's got skill, and W(h)itney is a dang lucky gal.

OK, we'll stop now. We know that this is not The Bachelor. You have to forgive us though, because it's going to be hard to get over the loss of such a perfect specimen of reality television. Dancing celebrities are all well and good, but it's going to take an awful lot of sparkly costumes and mediocre stage kisses to fill the Arlington-sized hole in our hearts.

Tonight's premiere sure did try, though, and in all honesty, Chris was not bad. However, he was definitely not the best. That honor went to Rumer Willis, who was the last one to take the stage and blew all the other contestants totally out of the water within the first five seconds of her dance with partner Val Chmerkovskiy. She was nearly perfect, and hit the highest score of the night.

Another highly impressive performance came from Noah Galloway. The army vet lost parts of both his left arm and left leg in Iraq in 2005, and unlike season 18 contestant Amy Purdy, who lost both legs below the knees, Galloway also lost his left knee. This competition is going to be incredibly difficult for him, but he and partner Sharna Burgess probably did a much better job than we could have done if we had all of our limbs and if the floor lit up where we were supposed to step. 

In other, less dance-related news that may be helpful for your DWTS bingo card, Hunger Games star Willow Shields was introduced with partner Mark Ballas yelling "I volunteer as tribute!" Both the athletes – Nastia Liukin and Michael Sam – were just as good as expected. Nobody had much to say to Shark Tank star Robert Herjavec (who was surprisingly spry) other than fish jokes. Riker Lynch doesn't know what's going on, and we still don't quite know who Riker Lynch is. Suzanne Somers still has amazing legs, Patti Labelle is grace personified, and we don't think Redfoo can do anything without it turning into an LMFAO video, or without Tom Bergeron using "LMFAO" incorrectly in a sentence.

Oh, and Charlotte McKinney is going to try to get America to realize she's "more than just boobs" by constantly talking about and drawing attention to "America's most imposing frontage."

In other words, this is going to be a very interesting season.

Check out the full rundown of scores below!

12. Charlotte McKinney and Keo Motsepe: 22/40
11. Redfoo and Emma Slater: 22/40
10. Michael Sam and Peta Murgatroyd: 25/40
9. Patti Labelle and Artem Chigvintsev: 25/40
8. Suzanne Somers and Tony Dolovani: 25/40
7. Willow Shields and Mark Ballas: 25/40
6. Chris Soules and Witney Carson: 26/40
5. Noah Galloway and Sharna Burgess: 26/40
4. Robert Herjavec and Kym Johnson: 28/40
3. Nastia Liukin and Derek Hough: 30/40
2. Riker Lynch and Allison Holker: 31/40
1. Rumer Willis and Val Chmerkovskiy: 32/40