(Who wants to guess how many times we'll use the word "penis" in this story? Let's make a game of it. Use Price Is Right rules—closest without going over, for this. Ready? Go!)
Men, take a deep breath. It's time to find out where you fall when it comes to the size of your member. You know, your wedding tackle, your ding-a-ling, your lil' soldier.
We're talking about your penis, in case all those nicknames went over your head. (The one on your shoulders).
After an analysis of more than 15,000 penises around the world, British researchers now have a scientific answer to the question regarding "normal" penis length.
Ready? Gird your loins…
According to the study published in the British Journal of Urology International, the official average length of an erect penis is 5.16 inches (13.12 centimeters) and 3.6 inches when flaccid. Want to talk girth? Of course you do.
The average circumference of an erect penis is 4.59 inches (11.66 centimeters), while the normal circumference of a flaccid penis is 3.66 inches (9.31 centimeters).
So why did researchers conduct this lengthy (ha! sorry) study? Well, to quiet men's fears about not measuring up, of course.
"We wanted to be able to help men and their doctors with a definitive paper since there are many contradictory reports from small or poor quality studies," study co-author Dr. Gordon Muir told The Huffington Post. "Many men live lives of misery and shame, or undergo harmful and unproven interventions, due to a false belief they are abnormal."
Doctors also discovered that despite widely-held beliefs, there is no link between race and penis size, nor shoe size and penis size.
So fear not, gentlemen. Most likely, your penis is not unusually small. The study found that in reality, only 2.28% of the male population has an abnormally small penis. That percentage is the same for men with an abnormally large penis.
So basically, you're almost definitely normal down there.
(Penis count: 11. Not counting the first use of the word "penis" and the last use.)