• Paris Hilton continues her aid mission to Rwanda...by hosting a giant party for herself in a Johannesburg nightclub. We can’t wait until she adopts a hapless kid from Milwaukee, thinking he's from Malawi.
• Lindsay Lohan’s grandmother crashed her car into a tree on Sunday. Taking the rare opportunity to opine about a family member’s mishaps, Michael Lohan called the 67-year-old woman’s survival “a great excuse to talk to reporters” “an Easter miracle.” He’s devout like that.
• Perez Hilton turned 30 this weekend. He celebrated by drawing 30 penises on Mariah Carey’s picture.
• K-Fed also turned 30 this weekend. He celebrated by making a penis of himself at Pure nightclub in Las Vegas.
• American Idol failure David Hernandez is in New York, saying he wants to audition for Rent. Either that or beg for rent money. We didn’t watch the whole story.
• Ryan Phillippe wishes ex Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal happiness. Amazing how easy it is to be magnanimous when you’re shagging Abbie Cornish.