The Bachelor Recap: Who Got Sent Home to the Tune of a Rooster & Could A Monkey Be The Next Bachelorette?

Best. Show. On. Television.

By Lauren Piester Feb 24, 2015 3:52 AMTags
Chris Soules, The BachelorABC/Terri Eddington

Guys, guys, guys. We found something Chris can do – he can carry baskets on his head! He can also stay cool in the face of danger, or monkeys, or incompetent boat drivers, or even announcements of virginity. He also might be able to speak Indonesian, or at least he's so well versed in the universal language of love that he can even sense when someone's talking about sex in Indonesian. The magic of the fantasy suites is powerful, apparently.

Farmer man and his three girlfriends made their way to Bali this week for the most special date cards of all time: the sex ones! Kaitlyn got to go first, and she and Chris spent their pre-suite day hanging out with a bunch of monkeys. The monkeys climbed onto Chris' head to steal his bananas, and Kaitlyn was totally freaked out sort of understandably. Monkeys are not known for their hygiene, after all.

She and Chris did a lot of talking about how she was finally opening up and letting her guard down, and she admitted she was totally in love with him. He loves her too, blah blah blah, it's all cute, and both of them are pretty psyched for the fantasy suite.

Up next was Whitney, and it was boat time. They were barely on the boat for two seconds before the boat crashed into the dock, but the boat driver gave a thumbs up so apparently that's just how he drives boats. There were no monkeys, but this date was almost kind of dramatic. 

It seemed like Whitney was about to say that she didn't want to give up her career and move to the middle of nowhere, but she did not. She instead said that she was ready to give up her career in order to become a wife and mother.

Chris did a lot of rambling about how when he needs to go somewhere, he drives somewhere, but mostly he just sits around by himself, and not once did he offer up some sort of reasonable compromise in which Whitney gets a husband and kids and a career while with him. Chicago's pretty close to Iowa. It wouldn't be that hard. The hard part would apparently just involve Chris getting over his idea of an old-fashioned farmer's wife. Love ya Chris, but women are people too.

Anyway, they skipped off to the fantasy suite happy as clams. These two are solid.

Of course, Becca the Secret Virgin was saved for last, and of course, part of her date with Chris involved talking to an Indonesian medium and asking for advice on their date and relationship. The medium told Chris that Becca would be "hard to control," and said that they should be "making love" on their date, which Chris didn't even need the translator to understand. We also didn't need a translator to see that Chris was real excited about that advice. Someone did a really good/terrible job writing this script.

Later, it became a race for the poor girl to tell Chris about her lack of sexperience before he found the right moment to give her the fantasy suite key. She lost, and was left to build it up like she was about to tell him she was his sister or an alien or secretly dead the whole time. 

Then, Chris and Becca came back, hand-in-hand, which is all the PDA that's allowed in the most special and sacred temple in Bali. Whitney got the first rose, duh. Becca got the second one.

Kaitlyn cried like a baby and Chris tried to explain himself to her, but we were not listening. We were laughing way too hard at some genius rooster with perfect comic timing having a hell of a time somewhere off-camera. Hopefully though, Chris was telling Kaitlyn that she is way too cool for him, and that she shouldn't be fooled by his motorcycle. He's really just a nice old-fashioned farmer guy who's freakishly attractive and overly fond of monkeys. Betcha the monkeys would abandon their careers and move to Arlington for you, Chris, just as long as you've got bananas. 

Did the right girl go home tonight? Are we losing our minds? Head to the comments and weigh in! 

Click: We ranked all the Bachelorette contenders!