FacebookWhen it comes to sororities, there is nothing more important than sisterhood.
Unless you have dark roots in your hair! Then we swear to the Greek gods we will duct tape you to a chair and force you to write out a million times "I will not have gross roots" on a dry erase board while holding the marker in your mouth.
That's the basic vibe we get from this leaked 2013 email to Jezebel that comes from the ladies of Alpha Chi Omega's chapter at University of Southern California. It's a rundown of all the rules the AXO women must abide by during "polish week," which apparently means the week the gals get all gussied up before meeting PNMs (or Potential New Members).
We don't know the subject of this email, but we're pretty sure it's: "Don't You Dare Look Like S—t or No One Will Want to Join This Sorority"
Damn, we really do love crazy sorority girls.
You can read the full email at Jezebel, but here are the most important guidelines to not embarrassing your sisters at USC:
1. Spanx
"I cannot stress how important spanx are to make you look your best. Even if you are very thin, Spanx will give you a better 'line' when you wear clothes (no awkward bumps!) Plus you don't have to worry about sucking in all the time or being bloated!"
This paragraph also comes with a photo (labeled "Oh no!" and "oh wow!") that shows how Spanx can transform you from a jiggly puff to a streamlined hottie.
2. Hair Touch Up
"Please get your hair trimmed, roots touched up, etc. before work week. YOU WILL NOT HAVE TIME DURING POLISH WEEK TO GET IT DONE (minus that one day we have off). Remember: your hair needs to be one normal color. No crazy ombre, no color you wouldn't see in nature. (Also, if you're thinking about going from blonde to black or vice versa, do so after recruitment. You won't know for sure what it will look like, and if you hate it/your hairstylist does a bad job, that won't fly.) You cannot have roots during recruitment, so if you dye your hair like me, please take care of that before arriving back to school."
This demand has a photo of Drew Barrymore in some cool ombre hair with the caption: "NOPE."
3. Eyebrow Grooming
"Bad eyebrows will make you look less beautiful than you actually are!"
Well, if She's All That taught us anything, it's definitely that.
4. Health
"Being sick or feeling gross during recruitment sucks. Start eating healthy today and you'll feel so much better by the time polish week and recruitment starts. Stay away from fried and super sugary foods. Your face will seriously brighten up. Also, exercise. Start now and you'll have way more energy and endurance for the long hours of recruitment."
Now see, if we were in this sorority, we'd have to put our foot down because staying away from fried and super sugary food goes against our belief systems. Also known as the Religion of State Fairs and Deep Fried Oreos. Come join us!
5. Hair Styling
"For recruitment, your hair has to be curly or straight. No waves…Note: if you have straight hair and you want to wear it curly, don't. Your hair needs to be able to hold for 15 hr days and hairspray crunchy or limp hair is not acceptable. Also, get some heat protectant and shine spray. Damaged, frizzy hair is not going to attract PNMs….We don't want to look "emo" or like we're actually trying to flirt with PNMs by touching our hair all the time."
Most girls with wavy/curly hair cannot control the beast on top of their heads (trust us, we can sympathize), so this demand is just insulting.
6. Makeup
"You need to have foundation, concealer, something pinky/neutral for the lips (stain, gloss, etc), BLOT POWDER/OIL BLOTTERS, eyeliner (BLACK or BROWN only), mascara, neutral eyeshadows, bronzer, and (optional but recommended) blush. If you are not wearing the required makeup, I will stop you and apply it myself. I don't care if you're late for class. I don't care if you're a sophomore or a super senior. I will stop you. If you don't know how to apply all this makeup, check out my Pinterest board. I picked out all the videos and products with you guys in mind…The one thing I will say about eye makeup is you should have eyeliner your top eyelid and you can't wear your eyeliner super thick (we want to look like we're naturally supermodel gorgeous)."
If someone stopped us in the middle of our walk to class to put makeup on our face, they'd walk away with an eyelash curler up their nose. And that's probably why we never wanted to rush; because of our eyelash curler stabbing problem.
7. Glasses/Contacts
"We would like to strongly encourage that you wear contacts during recruitment. Obviously if that is not an option for you or if you are uncomfortable doing so it is by no means mandatory. However, we want the PNMs to be able to see your lovely eyes the best they can and strongly encourage wearing contacts over glasses. Poking your eyes is worth it just this once, promise!"
Sisters who poke their eyes together stay together! Also, sorry about your glaucoma.
8. Social Media
"Please make your profile pics, cover photos, etc. something cute and Alpha Chi. Don't use a picture where we're making ugly faces or are in a visibly not sober state! It might look fun to you, but it could appear sloppy or weird to outsiders."
Now we totally want to start a sorority called "Sloppy and/or Weird Outsiders." And you can wear your wavy hair as wavy as you damn well please and there is no eye-poking allowed. Plus, weekly meetings of the Religion of State Fairs and Deep Fried Oreos.
Sorority girls, current and former: are all houses like this? We totally understand having general guidelines about appearances, but to this extent?
However, we do agree that Spanx is an invention that should be worshiped until the end of time.