I am 27 years old, obsessed with Christmas festivities, and I have never tried eggnog. This is my story.
Peppermint mochas, snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes, and general yuletide cheer are my jam. I don't want to brag, but I'm killing this holiday season (with fun!)
Heck, I've already met four Santa Clauses and a Grinch, and we're only halfway through December.
I've been known to experiment in my celebrating from time to time—with aged fruitcakes and the like—but I have never tried the mysterious dairy-based drink of eggnog, until now.
If you're a fellow eggnog virgin, let this be your guide. If you're a lifetime fan, maybe you'll find a new favorite! Either way, I wouldn't recommend drinking 10 of them in a morning and finishing them off with a loaf of eggnog bread. (Which I totally did for an audience of my esteemed colleagues.)
1. Kroger Eggnog: My first nog, this is it! It goes down smooth like bubblegum-flavored schnapps. I'm really worried about how easy this is going to be.
2. Bolthouse Farms Limited Edition Holiday Nog (Low-Fat): This nog tastes a little more milky, with a hint of spice. You can definitely tell it's low-fat. What's the point?!
3. Silk Dairy-Free Holiday Nog: Very thin and watery. Again, I'm picking up on some sort of bubblegum flavor? What is wrong with my tastebuds? I've just been informed by a colleague that I'm supposed to shake these containers before I open them. Why would I know this? You don't shake milk. Teach me your ways, nogperts! (That's a combination of the word "nog" and "expert." It's not a thing.)
4. Southern Comfort Traditional Non-Alcoholic Eggnog: Wow, this tastes like melted vanilla ice cream, and I am all about it! I think the sugar is hitting me right now, and I'm only midway through. Hopefully I'm #blessed so I can make it through this!
5. Horizon Organic Lowfat Eggnog: This nog has a pretty strong smell once I open the carton. I'm getting confused...What are these supposed to taste like? I need to read these nutrition and ingredient labels. A colleague just said someone might have Hennessy in their desk, but they have yet to bring me any booze.
6. Lactaid Eggnog: This nog has a bit more vanilla taste than the previous dairy-free option. I'm hoping these watery palate cleansers save my stomach from a milk challenge-style nightmare in the near future. This is probably a good time to mention that I'm not taking tiny sips of these. I am filling a decent amount per mug. I'm the type of woman who gets drunk at a wine tasting, but this is non-alcoholic, so I am basically a glutton chugging chunky milk in front of my boss. Christmas! New experiences! Lean in!
7. Alta Dena Holiday Eggnog: Thin and watery again. Another colleague says there is a weird "novelty" booze somewhere in the office, like a Duck Dynasty-branded drink? I want to know why they're holding out on me. Sure it's 10 a.m., but still, this is for journalism.
8. Southern Comfort Vanilla Spice: Even more vanilla than the first SoCo, now with added spice aftertaste!
9. Hood Limited Edition Pumpkin Eggnog: It's orange! This tastes like a liquified pumpkin pie. My colleagues say it's more pumpkin than nog, but who cares? It's good! Also, this is now a turning point in terms of my stomach situation. Please stand by.
10. Broguiere's Old-Fashioned Eggnog: The thickest of the nogs! This is straight-up chunky. A colleague insists this is the greatest nog she's ever had, but I honestly can't feel anymore. Let's call it a win for that SoCo milkshake dream in a cup! Oh wait, it's time for dessert...
A colleague, our resident office kitchen goddess, brings me a sizable slice of a nog loaf, which she describes as "choco-filled eggnog bread with an eggnog frosting." From what I can tell in my sugar-induced delirium, it is delicious, and I am floating above the office looking down on myself, questioning my life choices.
The Verdict: Losing your eggnog virginity to 10 nogs and one dessert in front of an entire office is the least flattering idea a person can think of... but I did it! For Christmas! For the readers! For a stomachache?
Well, not so much. You will (hopefully) be happy to know that I did not succumb to a terrible tummy fate. However, I did suffer a sugar-induced headache. That's probably because drinking the equivalent of a quart of milk, eggs, and sugar in 10 minutes may be ill-advised. Whatever. I bet it would go down better with booze.