Pizza Hut's New Pizza Has a Stuffed Crust Covered in Doritos Because to Hell With Moderation

Doritos Crunchy Crust Pizza "needs to not only be eaten, but heard to be believed,” says the company's head of marketing

By Jenna Mullins Dec 08, 2014 6:13 PMTags
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Anyone who orders this monstrosity has almost definitely given up on whatever speck of dietary dignity they had left. Once you put this into your body, or decide that you are going to put this into your body, you've crossed over into a whole new playing field.

Oh, we're not judging anyone. We want to be in that playing field, too. We want that playing field to be our home.

Pizza Hut Australia has released a new pizza that has changed the shame-eating game, and it's called the Doritos Crunchy Crust Pizza. You'd think that would be an American thing, right? Well, it's not. Way to go, Australia! Someone is out-fatting us for once.

The Doritos Crunchy Crust Pizza is exactly as it sounds: a pizza that has a stuffed crust covered in Doritos. Full, whole Doritos. No crumbs here. Australia doesn't have time for Doritos crumbs. 

"As you bite into the crust you'll be blown away by the crunch. It's not only seriously loud, but delicious," Fatima Syed, Pizza Hut Australia Head of Marketing and Innovation said in a statement. "This exciting and undeniably fun new crust will wow all your senses, not just your taste buds. We know from research how big an impact the crunch sound has on one's appetite. This is an all taste, no waste pizza."

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Considering that one of the most annoying things on this planet is someone eating something obnoxiously loud, especially if it's a crunchy food item, we are actually relieved this pizza hasn't hit our country yet. However, we do anticipate a Funyuns-crust pizza coming soon to the U.S.

We're sure this pizza was developed over months of research and testing, but when we look at this pizza, this is how we think the idea came to be:

Two guys sitting at a table with one notebook:

"Hey, we need a new pizza. Something crazy that all the kids will tweet about."
"Well, how about we inject cheese into the crust? Double the cheese."
"We already do that."
"OK, how about we just smash a bunch of potato chips onto the stuffed crust?"
"I love it. Can we take it one step further, though?"
"You bet. Let's make it Doritos. Just smash 'em on that stuffed crust and call it a fancy name."
"Yes! We are so good at our jobs."
"Indeed, mate."

"Mate" because it's Australia, remember? That conversation is probably incredibly accurate.*

*That conversation is most definitely the least accurate thing ever.