Universal StudiosIt is so the weekend after Spider-Man 3. I bet Sony (aka Spidey) chief Amy Pascal is sitting by a clock watching it tick, just waiting for it to be this weekend, when none of the movies coming out can even touch her boy. But money isn't everything. Sure, droves of Americans won't stand in line to watch Lindsay Lohan act out when such activities are easily enjoyed in the comfort of one's home, on the Internet. But diseases and Jason Bateman are things worth ponying up for right? Well, maybe. Here's the outlook:
Georgia Rule
Teri Hatcher is probably out shopping and waving excitedly to the paparazzi in anticipation of what will no doubt be a holy day in her home—when the Georgia Rule reviews come out and say that Felicity Huffman is talented (here Teri breathes deeply and asks daughter Emerson to rub her shoulders) but the movie is a clunker. At which point Teri shrieks, tips off the paps and heads to the Ivy.
She has every right to celebrate. After all, this movie was not supposed to be bad. Early reports were excellent. I know folks who were on the set, walking away speechless. So, what happened? I think it's a case of good performances—even if they're from Huffman, Jane Fonda and Lindsay Lohan—do not a good movie make. Poor Garry Marshall. If you bump into him, give him a hug and tell him you watch Pretty Woman many times a year.
28 Weeks Later
The buzz is strong. 28 Days Later, which was raw and virile and bizarre as some futuristic tin can of chewing tobacco, still resonates with people. Maybe the buzz is a little inflated just because it's a horror movie sequel that looks, gasp, like it might just be on par with the first installment. Give it a shot. And if you're let down by writer-director Juan Carlos Fresnadillo, just remember that the original's creative team of Danny Boyle and Alex Garland haven't abandoned us. They're just busy preparing their third uplifting collaboration—Sunshine, about the death of the sun—for its September release.
The Salon
Vivica Fox and her gal-pals talk up a storm and hunt for romance and at some point probably break into song and dance amidst curling irons and tubs of hot wax. If Fox is anywhere near as great here as she was in Kickin' It Old Skool, then Salon will work. I mean, I like a party, I like a workplace party, and Barbershop director Mark Brown has more than proven that he's an apt party photographer...er, director. So, ladies, if you were forced to endure Spider-Man last weekend and you can't stand Zach Braff, make your man make it up to you with a trip to the hairstylist.
The Ex
Wait a minute, now. Hold on. Promoters of The Ex, are you suggesting that Zach Braff is wary of commitment yet affable and that he represents twentysomething men and appeals to self-destructive chicks? Where do you guys come up with this stuff? Oh, right: Garden State, The Last Kiss, Scrubs.
In The Ex, however, Zach proves that he has more tricks up his hip, semi-ironed sleeve: He can seem happy! It's a freaking revelation. Unfortunately, the studio really backed off on this one. Promotion is light. The trailer totally misrepresents the movie. The clips of Jason Bateman in his wheelchair are broad and bad, and they chose scenes that make it look like Amanda Peet might die of boredom. Alas, the guy who cut the trailer should go to dental school. He didn't do The Ex justice. Maybe word of mouth will save the day?
The Hip-Hop Project
Celebrities can be sooooo manipulative. If there were some kind of citizen's arrest and I could cite Bruce Willis and Russell Simmons for taking advantage of a good cause, I'd be writing tickets. This documentary is about Chris "Kazi" Rolle, a guy who totally turned his life around and went from homeless dude to hip-hop mentor. But Bruce and Russell think it's okay to hang onto his coattails and makes a movie that totally fails to fulfill its dramatic potential. It's like they think if they make a movie about goodwill, we'll all forget that a movie about goodwill is only really worthwhile if it's also a good movie. Bad boys!
Delta Farce
Um, note to Larry the Cable Guy and director C.B. Harding: Here's what you do. Rent Back to the Future. Take copious notes on how a time machine is built. Secure plutonium. Find silver jumpsuits. Hunt down an empty shopping-mall parking lot. Drive fast, arrive in 1987 and make sure you don't forget to bring your action-packed, beer-drinking, dude-tastic farce. Honestly, that's where it belongs. And it would do freaking great there.
Blind Dating
Oh man, how much do you just cringe when a movie title is an outright lazy, in-your-face double entendre? Yes, this is about a blind guy (ha!) who is trying to date (ha ha ha!). Just in case you're not drooling already, he's also a virgin. Eddie Kaye Thomas and Chris Pine are the stars. And if I see this, it will be three years from now, in the middle of the night, on my couch, and I will be drunk. And then I will love it and regret ever writing this and surf the Internet, hoping to find news of a sequel called Love Is Blind.