What the best way to communicate with that special someone?
Show them your wood emojis, of course.
As everybody (including your mom, with her new iPhone, bless her) knows, the best way to express yourself is with tiny smiley faces and pictures of poop. And Nick Offerman, Internet-favorite celeb, Parks and Recreation star and best-looking actor with a mustache since Tom Selleck, has taken them to the next level.
In a mock infomercial that aired on Conan this week, Offerman, channeling Home Improvement's Richard Karn in a blue and green plaid shirt and overalls, showcases several artfully handcrafted, dinner plate-sized wooden versions of emojis, "lovingly carved out of solid oak." How's that for your "Rustic Wedding" Pinterest board?
Offerman shows some pretty spectacular recreations of several popular emojis, including a cat and, of course, a pile of poop.
He explains how it is "much, much harder" to communicate using his creations, which weigh 14 pounds each, rather than regular emojis, and a man demonstrates this by taking on the task of assembling them to form a message on a restaurant table in front of a female customer.
"Not only have you gotten your message across, but you've built something with your own bare hands," Offerman says. "And that feels good."
Watch the infomercial for wood emojis below (warning: contains expletives)
The actor actually has his own wood shop in eastern Los Angeles, which offers "refined modern designs," such as this mahogany dining table, canoes like this Western red cedar strip-planked one named "Huckleberry," and "Middle-Earth masterpieces," such as Gandalf's coffee table, all built by Offerman). Also available for sale: A mustache comb, which starts at $75.
In 2012, Offerman presented host Conan O'Brien with his own customized comb, as well as a wooden version of a kid's instrument that almost every person on Earth can play, which is sold out at his store, as of Friday, but normally retails for $63.
"A boys kazoo is made out of plastic. A man's kazoo is hand crafted from wood," its description reads. "There's no better way to attract a mate than to croon with this poplar and walnut kazoo. And this 'miracle pocket saxophone' fits in your tool belt for easy access."
Offerman's wood emojis mock informercial aired more than a week after he starred in another commercial parody (that was just as manly)—a fake Home Depot ad for HBO's Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.