The Two and a Half Men actor stopped by TBS' Conan Tuesday, where he opened up about his daughter Wyatt Isabelle for the very first time. "You had a baby 27 days ago," Conan O'Brien said of Kutcher and Mila Kunis' little girl. "How are you holding up? Because I remember that early period. That's rough."
"We're really privileged that we have time and can afford to take time. We don't have a nanny or a night nurse or anything. It's just the two of us," Kutcher replied. "It's unbelievable. It's the greatest thing on earth. As soon as this child was born I immediately wanted to call my parents and just apologize because I never knew how much they loved me. It's absolutely, insanely..." he said, without finishing his thought.
As the TV star, 36, explained to the late-night host, 51, "I have a personal 'I want to be a hero' ego thing. It fulfills all of that. Staying home for the first couple weeks, I've learned the little things that will calm the baby down. So, I feel like I'm a baby whisperer now. I like to give the baby to my friends and let it cry for a second and be like, 'Let me just take this.' Any sort of hero fantasy I have is completely satiated."
"You're gonna start putting your baby in mock jeopardy," O'Brien joked.
"'Oh look baby! You're to fall! No you're not. Daddy's here,'" Kutcher said, riffing off the comic.
The actor also explained how he and his fiancée chose their daughter's name.
"We had another name. We had it picked out and we're like, 'All right this is the name.' Then we got pregnant a week—a couple weeks after we picked the name. But then when we were pregnant, the name just didn't fit the energy that we were feeling," said Kutcher, who apparently didn't watch his bride-to-be's scripted Jimmy Kimmel Live!rant about how men should stop saying "we" are pregnant. "We were calling it the baby, but never by the name that we had given it," he said. "One night Mila was just like, 'This is not the name!' I'm like, 'OK! It's not the name.' I had to get the creative juices going."
"We were going to a Lakers game and I've got name Tourette's. I just started listing off anything and everything that I saw. I was like, 'Sign! Truck! Wall! Door!' She's like, 'Shut up!' I'm like, 'If you don't accept my bad ideas, you'll never accept the good ones.' Then I was like, 'All right I've got a really dumb idea. What about Wyatt?' She goes, 'That's it.' I was like, 'Really? I did it?' She was like, 'Yeah, that's it.'"
"We gave her the middle name Isabelle after Mila's grandfather...so it has a little heritage," he added.
Kutcher has always been social media savvy, and as such, he's taking every caution to protect his daughter. "We immediately went home and we reserved all the domain names. We got the Twitter handle, the Instagram—everything that you could possibly [have]," the first-time father explained. "I don't want a porn site with my daughter's name! It's unacceptable to me and it's not gonna happen!"
During the episode, O'Brien also mentioned that Charlie Sheen has said he wants to return for the final season of CBS' Two and a Half Men. "You know, I kind of...I just kind of stopped listening to things that Charlie Sheen says," Kutcher said of the fired cast member he replaced. "Charlie Sheen has become like a parent on Charlie Brown to me. It's more like, 'Wah wah wah.' I just keep saying, 'Thank you for the great job. I've got an awesome job and it's thanks to you not having it anymore, so thank you. But 'wah wah wah.' I'm just gonna keep going to work and collecting the check, so whatever." If series creator Chuck Lorre did bring Sheen back, Kutcher said, "I don't even care. I think he's a really 'wah wah wah.'"