Halloween sometimes brings out the best in people (i.e. beautiful, hysterical and witty costumes). It also sometimes brings out the worst in people (i.e. blackface).
We'd be lying if we said that at some point in our lives we hadn't taken a completely normal profession and turned it into an idea for an exceedingly revealing Halloween costume. Take it from us, because we've been there and done that. The costume ideas below? Not your best idea. Trust us.
1. Police officer
Okay, let's just start this article right off with the obvious. Any excuse to wear fishnets and carry around a set of handcuffs, are we right?! Haha, because handcuffs are so subtle.
2. Any feline-type animal
For those of you last-minute ladies out there who still want to put your goodies on display (because it's Halloween and you're an independent woman), a cat is the go-to costume. Draw a little eyeliner on your face to make it look like you've got whiskers, strap on that leopard print bombshell Victoria's Secret bra that makes your A's look like D's and voila! You've got a costume, we guess.
3. Angel/devil
Because wearing a white dress that barely covers your lower butt and/or little red horns nestled into your teased hair somehow makes you naughty and therefore very, very attractive.
4. Nurse or a medical doctor
You've hit the jackpot and found a costume with American Red Cross symbols oh-so-conveniently located on your nipples. Now go put that Hippocratic Oath to good use and "help" some fine young gentleman. I'm sure the nurses of America love what you've done with the look.
5. Geek
This Halloween season, you want to show the world you've got brains and a bod. Plus, you look effin' great in those 3D gasses you stole from the movie theater. Super original idea, bud! Let's all take a moment to remember that the "nerds" of the world will one day be our bosses, and then take a step back and reevaluate our costume choices.
6. Teacher
You're just out here try'na celebrate America's teachers! After all, they shape our nation's youth. However, you have taken a few liberties and we doubt they'd let you into a school looking like that…
7. Prisoner
Yet another excuse to carry handcuffs around with you, right?! Also, those orange jumpsuits conveniently button down the front, making for some pretty easy access to cleavage. Praise the Halloween gods!
8. Maid
Ugh, remember when your mom used to make you clean your room before the cleaning ladies came? What a perfect way to get back at her, wearing clothes absolutely no maid in the history of forever has worn.
9. Greek goddess
Any excuse to hit the tanning beds and wear ridiculous cat eye makeup! That white hand towel you've twisted into a dress isn't fooling anyone. We can see the bottom of your butt from across this party.
10. Disney character
Wow, great idea, we've always wanted to associate Snow White with the memory of your ta-tas sticking out and you seductively attempting to eat an apple! Thank you. Thank you so much.
11. Army cadet, sailor, etc.
Since we've all owned an article of camouflage clothing at some point in our lives, it's seemed like a good idea to make it into a barely-there Halloween costume. You're just trying to give our courageous men and women something to look at, right?
12. Bunny
We would just like to state: gluing a giant cotton ball to your tailbone does not, indeed, make for a Halloween costume. Also, bunnies do not wear corsets. That's all we've got for this one.
13. Pocahontas
We felt it was necessary to put Pocahontas in a separate category from the other Disney princesses because, damn, y'all like to appropriate this one. Wearing a fringed dress, putting feathers in your hair and singing "Colors of the Wind" is probably the quickest way to offend a whole bunch of American Indians. And we feel them on this one.
14. Referee
CAN WE JUST STOP PUTTING THE NUMBER 69 ON A STRIPED DRESS AND CALLING IT A "REFEREE COSTUME?"
15. Any religious figure
YOU KNOW WHY.
16. Pimp
Prostitution isn't funny but you've managed to find a wholesale pimp costume nonetheless. It probably involves really terrible cuffs (meant to look like shirt sleeves) and a god-awful fedora. There are so many reasons why this shouldn't happen, but the idea of carrying a cane is so cool and you just cannot resist.
Let's retire these costumes from this moment on, OK? At the very least be original with your skanky version of a certain profession. If you can make something like a Marketing Project Coordinator sexy, then we'll be impressed and allow it.