FXAnybody wanna go for a picnic? Nah? OK then. Let's just talk American Horror Story.
Confession: After seeing tonight's Freak Show premiere episode, I straight up canceled my plans to take my boys to Circus Vargas next week because…nope, nope, nope. Sorry, crying boys! Mommy can't play that.
I also went straight to co-creators Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk to get the skinny on what we can expect for the rest of the season, because after seeing that first hour, I'm dying to know...Where I need to close my eyes.
Here are nine things I can share. And don't worry, they are more teases than spoilers, so you don't have to lose your head. (That does happen next week, though. And it's put on a shelf. Mazel!)
There's a SCARY-ASS Twist to Twisty the Clown. "Twisty" is the clown who's running around killing people and he is not going away. Next week you'll see his face under that mouth mask and probably never eat again. It's my new weight-loss plan—Screw Weight Watchers! "Something happened to Twisty's face that is scary," Murphy tells me, between my wretching and ralphing. "Twisty is dark and twisted. I knew that the whole Twisty thing was working when, I was directing the episode and after the first take, we had like 20 crew members, and then it went down to 15 and then 10. People literally left the set they were so disturbed." Twisty's origin story will be revealed in episode five and is based on an urban legend. Let me know how it is, cause I'll probably pass out in the first 60 seconds.
The Most F—KED UP Love Triangle Ever Is on the Way! As you might have noticed, the conjoined twins played by Sarah Paulson, Bette and Dot Tattler, do not seem to have the same feelings for Jimmy "Lobster Boy" Darling (Evan Peters). And the writers have done their research. "In most cases where there really were two individuals connected," explains Ryan Murphy, "one of them fell in love with someone the other half despises. Some conjoined twins were married to two different women. So think about, what do you do? Do you accept it, do you try to kill them?" In episode two, we'll see the pair start to really unravel, when jealousy kicks in.
Emma Roberts Is NOT Welcome. As if the triangle between a porn-handed boy and two-headed woman weren't complicated enough, a fourth wheel is on the way. "Emma plays a love interest to Evan (Jimmy)," Murphy reveals, "who one of the twins has it out for right away." This can't end well.
If One Twin Dies, They Both Die. Just thought you should know, this is according to Ryan Murphy, who has done his research. If one twin dies, the other will die within a couple of days. Also, there's no witchcraft this season, so when someone dies, it sticks. Murphy also reveals that the death count is "on par" with last season. Oh goody.
Jimmy Darling Gets…Weirder. "Evan loved playing Tate, but he got a little tired of sort of playing the same, although he is our leading man," explains Murphy. "So this season, we gave him a character who is a little bit eccentric. As it goes on, you'll see him unravel. I told him to watch a lot of James Cagney movies, because the character is in that vein. I think the world of Evan. He's a very underrated actor, and this is his best work by far."
A Two-Faced Man Is Coming. Episodes three and four are the Halloween episodes and they are all about the legend of Edward Mordrake (played by Wes Bentley). "He supposedly was born with a face on the back of his head and the face on the back of his head would whisper things," Murphy says. "Carneys usually took Halloween off because they believed if they didn't, their music would summon Mordrake and he would take one of them to hell." That'll really put a damper on your trick-or-treating, eh?
A Creature With a Foot-Penis Is Coming. I went to journalism school to type that sentence.
Michael Chiklis' Character Wendell Del Toredo Is THE WORST. You heard about how a scene he's going to do with Matt Bomer is "perhaps the most disturbing thing we've ever done," according to Murphy, right? Well…get ready. You'll see Chiklis and Angela Bassett's characters next week. They guy has interesting taste in women. And we already hate him so so much.
Keep Your Eyes Peeled! "I've sprinkled clues in the first two episodes of where next season will be," Murphy reveals, "and who's going to be in it. That happened very early on in the show that the fans were so supportive and they watch and they have forums. They're very, very passionate so I know that they enjoy that part of it. We call them the goodies because the fans deserve their goodies." I'd like to request Twisty's head on a stick. Thanks.
And by the way, AHS co-creator Brad Falchuk offered to take my boys to the circus (after a super fierce guilt trip from me), so don't worry. No children were harmed in the making of this story.
What did you think of AHS tonight?