Stalker, Criminal Minds and Why is TV So Scary Now? Our Rants and Raves!

Happy Wednesday, TV fans! We are terrified.

By Lauren Piester Oct 02, 2014 4:09 AMTags
Jennifer Love Hewitt, Criminal MindsMonty Brinton/CBS

Are you scared yet?

We are. We watched both Criminal Minds and CBS' new show Stalker, and now we're pretty sure we should never leave our houses again and we're definitely never sleeping again. Our new life plan is hiding behind our bedroom door with a baseball bat with every light on for the rest of time.

Luckily, not every show tonight was made of nightmares, and we've got major opinions on all of it. Come along for another installment of our TV Rants and Raves!

Spoiler Alert! Go no further if you're not caught up on tonight's TV! We warned you…

RAVE: Criminal Minds: Welcome to the team, Jennifer Love Hewitt! We'd like to thank you and your first episode for teaching us to never ever let anyone ask us for directions or go anywhere near us with a van or a saw or anything at all.

RANT: Stalker: Stalker is so intent on reminding us that any one of us can be stalked that we kind of feel like Stalker is actually the one doing the stalking. Does anyone know how to put out a restraining order on a TV show?

RAVE: Law & Order: SVU: Crazy impressed by tonight's guest stars, Teri Polo and Stacy Keach. We were also, as always, impressed by the show's tendency to heartbreakingly cover real-life topics. 

Will Hart/NBC

RANT: Mysteries of Laura: What woman doesn't dream of a sequence in which she desperately attempts to fit into a too-small pair of pants, just so she can look hot for some sort of contrived work event/biker wake where random men will slap her ass in the presence of her children?

RAVE: Nashville: The baby is Avery's?! Phew! Now that she knows her pregnancy is not the result of that ill-advised tryst with the skeevy-as-hell Jeff Fordham, we bet Juliette is reconsidering a few life decisions.

RAVE: Red Band Society: Dr. McHottiePants is sleeping with Jordi's mom, who isn't actually dead?! Way to go, Jordi's mom!

RAVE: Chicago PD: Who wants to play Scrabble? We need a way to keep our minds off of all the danger it looks like Halstead is in!   

RAVE: The Goldbergs: Our new Patronus is Beverly Goldberg on rollerskates.

RANT: Survivor: What on earth was that, Val, telling people you had two idols? That has to have been one of the stupidest plays in Survivor history, and we are not surprised you were quickly voted out. 

ABC/Eric McCandless

RAVE: Modern Family: The Dunphy family is really killing it lately. Phil, Luke, and Haley's adventure with the "test" and the "scientists" and the button that said "Do not push" gave us a serious case of the giggles.  

RAVE: Black-ish: We literally lol'd at Andre grabbing a lamp to cover himself up when his dad walked in during a private moment. Why are lamps always funny?

RAVE: The Middle: We will now be patiently awaiting the Lifetime movie version of Sue's play about a girl with bulimia, anorexia, drug problems, alcohol problems, and ADHD, hopefully also starring Sue Heck and including the dream dance within a dream dance sequence.

RAVE: The Middle: Are we the only ones who really want to play Bop-It, thanks to Brick "Could Have Been a Professional Basketball Man" Heck?   

RAVE: Key & Peele: Oh hey, Ty Burrell. Oh hey, weird puppet thing. Oh hey, show we love so much.

RAVE: The Bridge: Hello? FX? Yeah we're going to need a season 3 renewal pronto, please. 

So what did you watch tonight? Feel free to rant and rave along with us in the comments!

CLICK: We ranked all the new shows from crazy bad to crazy good