OK, so now Ashlee Simpson might be pregnant? Do Hollywood stars not know about birth control, or do they just choose to ignore it?
—Melanie, Hermitage, Pa.
The B!tch Replies: Jennifer Lopez just scored a reported $6 million payday for photos of her twins, and you're wondering why starlets are flushing their Yaz pills en masse? (And for the record, Mr. Wentz, I am not asserting that your lovely fiancée is preggers. And if she is preggers—which I am not saying—I am not asserting she did it for money. No need to get your eyeliner in a smear.)
For argument's sake, let's just assume Ashlee is pregnant, just like Jamie Lynn Spears and Gwen Stefani and Jessica Alba and the ever-pissy Lisa Marie Presley. Just so happens I have a checklist here of exactly what a typical, new celebumom needs to get started. I got it from tell-all author and baby consultant Suzanne Hansen, a former nanny who still maintains a spy network of caregivers to the stars.
So for the first time, in print, the celebumom personal checklist:
1. Professional Baby-Proofer: Drones who live in other states have to kid-proof their doorknobs themselves. No so much with celebrities, who hire a dude to come to their homes and take care of all that. Not to be confused with the decorator hired to design the custom nursery OR the sherpa who handles the personal fitting for the nursing bra.
2. At-Home Birthing Coach: "The coach visits the mom to tell them what is going to happen, show them films—what you would normally see at a birthing class at a hospital," Hansen explains. "The stars can't go to those classes because of the fans and the paparazzi."
3. Cameras, and a Geek to Install Them: Like, in every room in the compound. "I just talked to one nanny, and she was pretty scared," Hansen says. "Her celebrity-mom client had just told her that there were cameras all over the house, nanny cams, and she was afraid to ask if there was one in the bathroom, too."
4. The Neonatal Nurse: This is a 24-hour-a-day person, or group of people, who, for a mere $400 to $500 per day, never leave the newborn's pink little side. "She puts the baby on a sleeping and feeding schedule," Hansen explains. The nurse usually stays for about 6 to 10 weeks.
5. Fashion Stylist: "These moms have never been fat in their lives, and they don't ever want to be seen in their maternity wear again, so they need transitional clothes," Hansen explains. "So they bring in their stylists just for that."
6. Nannies: Typical ratio is three nannies per child: A day nanny, a night nanny and a weekend nanny.
7. And Maybe a Few Other People, Too: Just to have. "I recently spoke to one nanny who works for a famous woman who has never been alone with her kids," Hansen says. "No matter what or where, she always has to have someone with her."
For the record: If she's paying $500 a day, I would be happy to be this someone. Diaper changing, of course, is extra.
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