Love your attitude. My question: I've heard Gwyneth Paltrow talk about wearing a modern-day girdle to suck it all in. I don't believe it. Can this be true?
The B!tch Replies: You speak of the Spanx, butt squeezers so potent they actually turn skinny people inside out. Uma Thurman isn't even supposed to go near them unless she wants her stylist to learn the nuances of her lower intestines. And yet, time and again, Hollywood, especially slim Hollywood, turns to Spanx to eliminate every perceived dimple or lump.
Know this: Every major red carpet event involves lots and lots and lots of Spanx. Paltrow has said that sometimes she wears not one Spanx at a time but two.
Right. Because if there's anyone out there who makes us think of lardasses, it's Gwynnie.
During one big awards season, Helen Mirren's stylist reportedly called the Atlanta-based Spanx in a tizzy because she couldn't find the girdles that had been accidentally sent to the actress' publicist.
The company had sent Mirren enough to get her through awards season, see, and they were missing. Missing! (In the days before this year's Golden Globes, 300 Spanx crossed the continent from Atlanta to Los Angeles, meant solely for celebrity ass.)
For younger actresses, Spanx seem to play the role of binky or security blanket; even concave girls like Anne Hathaway and Cate Blanchett supposedly use it. After winning her Golden Globe earlier this year, I hear tiny Emily Blunt marched over to the even svelter Giulana Rancic to talk Spanx.
The cult status of Spanx has grown to the point where stylists erroneously call a single girdle a "Spank," and everyone knows what they're talking about. There are other companies that make these kinds of girdles, also known as "shapewear," but like every tissue is a Kleenex, every girdle—at least around these parts—is a Spanx.
"They're torture," one on-camera personality recently told me of the slimming panties. "They're the modern equivalent of foot binding, but we need them. I'm a size four, and even if you're a size two, in this town, you gotta wear a Spank."
Even more disclosure: If you have enjoyed this B!tch's video segments on the Vine, you have enjoyed me wearing Spanx. I never knew what my spleen looked like before I tried them.