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    How do old stars look so hot?

    How is it that the forty- and fiftysomethings in Hollywood all look as though they've never spent a day smoking or lying in the sun? I know they get Botox and fillers on their faces, but how do they prevent wrinkly knees, elbows and chests?
    —Anne, Madison, Wisconsin

    The B!tch Replies:  Of course older celebrities look like older celebrities. You just don't see them in person, in all of their desiccated, imploding glory. You see them in photos, where kindly lights and feverish makeup artists work their magic to erase years of sun baking and substances and collagen gone mad. (Mad, I say!)

    You haven't seen, say, Maria Shriver up close lately, then, have you? Nice lady and all that. Skin kind of like a peanut shell but stil, better looking than your average wife of a geriatric former action star. (Jon Voight? Oddly less decrepit in person than on celluloid. Some things even I cannot explain.)

    Where was I, anyway? Oh. Skin secrets. Yes. Celebrities love, love, love to blow smoke up our asses about how they simply live happy lives and laugh and laugh, and that keeps them dewy.

    But the current rage among youthaholics is actually a laser technique called Fraxel. The laser works by zapping small areas of skin—about 20 percent or so per treatment—as opposed to the old way, which took sort of a War of the Worlds approach and fragged the whole face or body part.

    "The laser resurfaces one's skin gradually and gently, over time, to replace sun-damaged skin, [produce] new healthy collagen to reduce fine lines and tighten skin," explains Dr. Cameron Rokhsar, a celebrity dermatologist in New York. "Nonfacial skin, including neck, chest and hands, can be treated safely and effectively.

    "This is the newest and hottest trend among celebrities."

    Hottest, literally.

    One recent patient tells me the process made her feel—and temporarily look—like she had a bad sunburn. Ironic, given that the treatment also conquers sun damage and overpigmentation.

    And I should mention that this noninvasive procedure requires the application of a numbing cream on the targeted body part an hour and a half before showtime. (Good times! Pass the Vikes, please.)

    However, it can't be all that bad. Ellen Barkin recently told More magazine she's a fan of the procedure. And at 53, she looks pretty friggin' foxy. At least, when she isn't sitting next to me.

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