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What's up with Hollywood guys bringing their moms to awards shows?
—Chandra, Amherst, Virgina

The B!tch Replies: You mean why did Jeremy Piven squire his mother around the Golden Globes when he could have tapped into his rotating squadron of tittylicious lady friends? Probably because too many people know about his rotating squadron of tittylicious lady friends.

Or maybe there was another reason. Defamer reports that Piven eventually ditched his mom after the Globes so that he could flirt with Melrose from America's Next Top Model. In that case, it seems that Piven was simply using his mom as a cover until he could tag someone who hadn't attended his bar mitzvah.

For the record, Piven told a reporter earlier this month, "Even if I had a girlfriend, I'd still take Mom.

"She's cool and fun, and she taught me how to act, so it makes perfect sense that she's there. And there's something about parading a girlfriend around in front of the press that seems wrong. Some things have to be sacred."

In general, publicists tell this B!tch that parents are simply low-maintenance dates. Parents also add instant burnish to a tarred reputation, and they always look thrilled just to be here.

Virginia Madsen brought her mom to the 2005 Oscar ceremony. So did Natalie Portman. (Jake Gyllenhaal took his sister, Maggie, that year.) Ben Affleck squired his mom down the red carpet the night he won an Oscar for Good Will Hunting, while Clint Eastwood and Sean Penn have each brought both their moms and their wives. (With one woman flanking each shoulder, how Penn was able to save room for his chip is beyond me.)

Oh, and then there's this Justin Timberlake, setting the tone for his post-Diaz days by taking his mom to the Alpha Dog premiere and, really, anything else fancy.

"Contrary to what a lot of people think, dating is tough for celebrities," veteran publicist Howard Bragman tells this B!tch. "One photo together and you're 'in love.' Two? You're getting married.

"If you're not dating anyone, you're in the closet or having an affair with someone who is married. In other words, if there's no one in your life, you can bring Mom to the Oscars without causing tongues to wag. She is the perfect accessory."

Right, right. At least until a supermodel comes along.

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