• Share
  • Tweet
  • Share
I heard Steve Buscemi died! Is this true? I could not believe it! Please tell me I am sadly mistaken!

By: Marilyn, Vilonia, Arkansas

A.B. Replies: You so are! Also still alive are Urkel, Napoleon Dynamite, William Hung and Screech, who, while absolutely not dead of a heroin or Pop Rocks overdose, is still looking for help in paying off his mortgage. Let's not let that celebrity dream die. Oh, and Aaron Spelling really is dead.

Get this: Your letters keep coming, and my knowledge keeps on flowing. Time to clean out the B!tch Box with a Lightning Round.

Dear, sirs. I'm enclosing a summary of my screenwriting for your review...

Dynamite! And because I am a writer and I live in Hollywood, I have a top literary agent, of course, who calls me every day begging to be my friend. Please continue.

...WIDOW'S DESIRS [sic] is about KATE CLARK. She loves her neighbor's son RICK because of his likeness to her former husband...

Pathos. I love it!

...Rick and his mother TERRY live in Kate's neighborhood. One day, when Terry informed Kate she is going to go for work duty, Kate is pleased because she was looking for an apportunity [sic] to have sex with Rick. When Kate described the circumstances for her colleague [sic] ALICE, she tends to have sex with Rick, too...

And Rick looks just like you, right? I love it!

...At the end, when Terry comes back home, every one is satisfied and happy, and they keep their stories in own heart. If you deal this kind of screenwriting please contact to me [sic]...I am waiting for your kind answer.
Eric Martin, New York

As long as Shannon Tweed is still alive, reasonably hot and willing to work, I have nothing snarky to say in this matter.

Where is Baby TomKat?!
Erin, San Francisco

The Celebrity Centre, fool.

Let's be honest--newborn babies just aren't that cute. So, why do magazines pay millions of dollars for their first pictures, and why do we want to see them?
E.H., New York

They want to see whether the baby looks like the mother, father or, in the abovementioned case, the cryogenically preserved, zealously guarded clandestine remains of L. Ron Hubbard.

What's up with movie critics losing their ability to critique flicks? Symptoms of this disease are (1) wanton praise for turd movies, (2) calling these movies "instant classics" and (3) Time's gushing over Cars, an unfunny wreck with lame dialogue, crass stereotypes and a plot even a five-year-old can lay out within the first five minutes. Other than payoffs from studios, why would a critic spout such BS?
Scott, Tucson, Arizona

You're forgetting Anthony Lane's clueless review of Superman Returns, in which he cannot for the life of him understand why Lex Luthor would want to deal in real estate. (Hint: because (a) Luthor has a history of liking real estate, and (b) he is a MADMAN.) Great movie critics are like great leaders--they come along less than once in a generation. Pauline Kael died in 2001, so we may have a ways to wait.