Embellishing your Twitter bio is the padding your resume of the 21st century:
1. What it says: "Personal Trainer"
What it actually means: "I tell people at the gym how to do push ups correctly even if they don't ask."
2. What it says: "Comedian"
What it actually means: "I write jokes on Twitter at least once a day."
3. What it says: "Fashionista"
What it actually means: "I take pictures of myself on the street and upload it to my Tumblr."
4. What it says: "Writer"
What it actually means: "I write ranting, lengthy posts on Twitter that my mom shares on Facebook sometimes."
5. What it says: "Political Junkie"
What it actually means: "Bill O'Reilly/Sarah Palin fan"
6. What it says: "Social Media Maven"
What it actually means: "I stalk celebs on Twitter and Instagram"
7. What it says: "TV Expert"
What it actually means: "Netflix is my boyfriend" (ain't no shame in that)
8. What it says: "Aspiring Magazine Editor"
What it actually means: "I've watched The Devil Wears Prada approximately 300 times."
9. What it says: "Internet Celebrity"
What it actually means: "I'm not famous for anything but I hope to one day have a reality show on VH1"
10. What it says: "Model"
What it actually means: "Check out my sexy photoshopped glamour shots"
11. What it says: "Project Coordinator"
What it actually means: "I make PowerPoint presentations for my boss and he/she delivers them"
12. What it says: "Improv Comedian"
What it actually means: "I took some free courses at the local community college"
13. What it says: "Foodie"
What it actually means: "I eat food, like every other human on this planet"
14. What it says: "Entrepreneur"
What it actually means: "I sell old DVD's on eBay and use the profits to buy the Blu-rays, aka the Tom Haverford business model"
15. What it says: "Apple Fanboy"
What it actually means: "I have an iPhone and an iPad."
16. What it says: "Gym Rat"
What it actually means: "I have a 24 Hour Fitness membership"
17. What it says: "Motivational Speaker"
What it actually means: "I am constantly telling myself I should get my s--t together and one day I will and then I can tell other people to get their s--t together."
18. What it says: "Actor"
What it actually means: "Bartender that appeared on an episode of CSI once as a corpse"
19. What it says: "Amateur Photographer"
What it actually means: "I'm really good at picking the right filters on Instagram"
20. What it says: "All Things Brangelina"
What it actually means: "I hate Jennifer Aniston"
21. What it says: "Team Aniston"
What it actually means: "I hate Angelina Jolie"
22. What it says: "Fifty Shades of Grey Fan"
What it actually means: "I'm a soccer mom who isn't satisfied with her sex life."
23. What it says: "DJ/Bartender"
What it actually means: "Unemployed"