David Letterman was the one who got to read scripted material, but who was listening? Everyone was too busy enjoying the beard.
Sporting a long vacation's worth of salt-and-pepper facial hair, the CBS funnyman returned to The Late Show Wednesday after a two-month hiatus imposed by the ongoing writers' strike.
Because Letterman's Worldwide Pants production arm, and not the network, owns The Late Show and The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, he was able to cut an interim deal with the Writers Guild of America that allowed his and Ferguson's scribes to go back to work with them.
"You're watching the only show on the air that has jokes written by union writers," Letterman said. "I hear you at home thinking to yourself, This crap is written?"
In addition to his list of the Top 10 Demands of the Striking Writers, read by film and TV scribblers who are still walking the picket line ("complimentary tote bag with next insulting contract offer," The Daily Show's Tim Carvell; "Members of the AMPTP must explain what the hell AMPTP stands for," Law & Order: CI's Warren Leight; "a date with a woman," Daily Show's Steve Bodow), Letterman aired a video message from Hillary Clinton and took endless ribbing about that beard of his.
"My God, man, you've aged," said guest Robin Williams.
Clinton, in Iowa for Thursday's caucus, actually hit the nail on the head as far as her and her fellow presidential candidates are concerned: "Dave has been off the air for eight long weeks because of the writers strike. Tonight he's back. Oh well, all good things come to an end."
Meaning, Letterman, Ferguson, Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and, starting Monday, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, are back on the campaign trail, as well. Primary season did did seem awfully bereft of humor, didn't they?
But while Letterman was one of the only hosts with writers, he wasn't the only one who eschewed his razor for the last two months. O'Brien also addressed his audience for the first time in ages from behind a neatly trimmed reddish-brown beard.
With his predicament made even hairier by not having a writing staff, the name of the game on NBC for the foreseeable future is going to be well thought-out improv.
For instance, in commenting that the strike has already cost Los Angeles over half a billion dollars, Leno said, "Or as Paul McCartney calls that, 'A divorce.'"
"Let's talk for a minute about the situation we find ourselves in," O'Brien began his opening monologue, cue cards nowhere to be seen. "As you know, two months ago the Writers Guild of America went out on strike and we took our show…off the air in support of the writers.
"This has been a tough time not only for our show, but for a lot of people in the entertainment industry. Good people right now are out of work. And possibly worse, with all the late-night shows off the air, Americans have been forced to read books and occasionally even speak to one another, which has been horrifying."
"Well, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to start by talking about my beard," O'Brien continued after pointing out which Late Night features would not be utilized—Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, the Walker, Texas Ranger lever, etc.—because of the strike. "That's right, I know this looks fake. It looks like it ties on in the back, but believe it or not, I actually grew a beard. Two birds, one stone.
"I never grew a beard in my entire life. I grew it out of solidarity for my writers, and to prove that I have some testosterone. The biggest comment I'm getting the last couple of days is that I look like the character of Kris Kringle in Santa Claus Is Coming to Town."
Once the off-the-cuff remarks ran dry, Leno passed some of the time taking questions from the audience. O'Brien danced on top of his desk to the strains of "The Magnificent Seven" by the Clash and tried to see how long he could spin his wedding ring on his desk.
Letterman and Ferguson may have the upper hand when it comes to the caliber of celebrity available for their programs, because their guests won't have to cross picket lines and the Screen Actors Guild is encouraging members to only patronize the CBS shows, but Leno and O'Brien did okay for themselves their first night back.
O'Brien welcomed Bob Saget, who was promoting the next installment of 1 vs. 100, comic Dwayne Perkins and musicians Robert Gordon Chris Spedding.
Leno, meanwhile, heralded the return of The Tonight Show with Food Network star Emeril Lagasse, rapper Chingy and a visit from Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, who told the Associated Press earlier today that he supports the writers "unequivocally, absolutely."
"They're dead right on this one," he said.
Still, although it wasn't as if that many Hollywood writers would have been be pulling for the ultra-conservative Arkansas governor in the California primary next month, Huckabee may have cost himself some votes Wednesday.
The WGA issued a statement thanking him for his support but expressing "disappointment" that he chose to cross the picket line. One striker outside NBC's Burbank studio wielded a sign reading, "Huckabee is a scab."
Leno can only hope that his audience is feeling political these days. The Tonight Show has lost a quarter of its audience since last season, thanks to the strike, and is averaging 4.4 million viewers.
Letterman is off only 15 percent, yet is still trailing Leno with 3.6 million viewers a night.