To be clear: We don't mean to be insulting to the people and moments at the 2014 Teen Choice Awards when we say they make us feel old or we don't know who they are or what the hell was happening. We just mean that the last time we recognized everyone and everything at the TCAs, well, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were accepting surfboards together and doing a bit about maybe kissing each other.
It messed with our emotions. It still does, if we're being honest.
Anyway, here are all the things from the 2014 Teen Choice Awards that made us feel like old, out of touch, unhip elderly folk:
1. Who is this?
2. Who is this?
4. We don't know who these people are.
5. We remember when the Teen Choice Awards had no hosts. It just started. Now we have that girl from that thing and J.Lo's son taking us in and out of commercial breaks.
6. We only know who Rowan Blanchard is because she's on a reboot of a show that we loved when we were growing up. A reboot. We're the oldest.
7. Pretty Little Liars is still on?! It swept the Choice TV categories. You know what shows used to dominate the TV categories? Friends. Dawson's Creek. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And don't you ever, ever forget about One Tree Hill.
8. Young person, why are you famous?
9. We only know who Zendaya is because of Dancing With the Stars.
10. Selena Gomez, who we still consider a "whippersnapper" looked like the oldest person walking the carpet last night in her super-sensible yet sexy black suit ensemble.
11. Who are you two? Brother and sister? Actors? Singers? Tell us!
12. We asked someone if 5 Seconds of Summer is big today like 'N Synv was and they just stared at us, confused. We shook our canes at them and started rambling incoherently about God spending a little more time on JC Chasez.
13. We legitimately thought a toddler had wandered onto the carpet until he started pointing and posing for photos.
14. Taylor Swift! We know who she is because she is our queen. So maybe we aren't so out of touch…um, who is she posing with?
15. The Simpsons won Choice Animated Show, and that series has been on longer than most the audience at the Teen Choice Awards and half the people accepting awards have been alive.
16. Please tell us your name, young girl.
17. Alllllll of these categories:
• Choice Web Star
• Choice Web Collaboration
• Choice Social Media King
• Social Media Queen
• Choice Twit
• Choice Viner
• Choice Instagrammer
17. Our highlight of the night was Donald Sutherland accepting his award. That should tell you everything you need to know about how old we felt watching the show.
We are 100 years old. Bye.