It was a lifelong dream of mine to own one. A clever and sophisticated invention, allowing one to drink on the down-low without having to carry a flask. Without having to carry anything at all, really. Merging the person and the alcohol into one. How is that possible, you may be asking?
The WineRack. The WineRack has made all of our wildest dreams possible in the form of an alcohol-filled bra. You heard that right. And my friends, I was #blessed enough to receive one from my place of employment, because those are the kinds of selfless people I work with (and because The Hot Wives of Orlando sent us one in a swag bag and no one else was going to use it! Thanks Casey Wilson!)
Disclaimer: I am 21-years-old and am not a problem drinker. 90 percent of the time I would much rather stay in my pajamas and watch True Blood than go out. Nonetheless, I have made it my mission to investigate the WineRack and keep you all up-to-date with the latest and greatest.
Here is what I learned during my 12 days (and counting) with the WineRack:
July 2. 9:00a.m.
In a series of exciting events, my editor gifts me a WineRack. Note: It is 9:00 a.m.
I have written a witty Facebook post accordingly and it is receiving a very acceptable amount of likes/comments. Currently, the only issue is people think I have legitimately received a wooden rack upon which to store wine.
July 2. 10:30a.m.
Still excited about my new WineRack. Discussing with my editor where I should try to wear it. Church? Nay. A funeral? None coming up that I know of. Home on the couch? Yes, please. A club? Definitely, because the drinks are $17 and that's all the reason I need.
July 2. 10:00p.m.
I put on the WineRack as soon as I got home from work and am strutting around the apartment with it on.
Thank goodness it fits because the tag was like, "Hey good luck getting these miniscule cups on your body." I want so badly to wear it to LAX this evening when I fly home for the weekend. Shoot, my roommate just texted me saying she's bringing friends over. I must change and put clothes back on, sans WineRack.
July 3. 4:30a.m.
I have landed in Chicago, but the WineRack is not on my WomanRack. The airport had full-body scanners and while I'm all about the TSA keepin' it safe, it fully derailed my plans of sipping free wine at 35,000ft. I am not pleased.
July 4. 5:00p.m.
I am about to attend a friend's Fourth of July party. This will be an all-night kind of thing. The plan? Attend said party. Make small talk, have a few drinks, relax. When darkness falls, return to my overnight bag and put on the WineRack before returning and continuing to "turn up."
July 5. 11:00a.m.
Last night's plan was foiled by day drinking. In other news, I am dying.
July 7. 10:30p.m.
I am back in Los Angeles but my WineRack has migrated to the bottom of my suitcase, which I will more than likely never unpack. No, seriously, ask my mother. I never unpack. I haven't seen WineRack in a few days. I am so disappointed in myself. It's like I've lost sight of who I am.
July 13. 7:45p.m.
It feels like years have passed since WineRack and I have been together. It's as if I'm not even trying to use the wine-filled bra. My roommate and I have ordered Chinese food and I have decided to dust off my suitcase and bring the WineRack into action. I know I'll be thirsty later.
July 13. 10:00p.m.
The WineRack is aaaalmost as much fun as I thought it would be. After spilling a little bit on myself (read: all over myself, as per usual) and having a real hard time getting the contraption on my body, I find it to be a success. It does not hold as much wine as I had hoped though. And there is most definitely not enough to share. Possible future use includes: Concerts, comdey shows, and family dinners where I am just not in the mood. Just kidding mom and dad, if you're reading this.
July 14. 2:15p.m.
I love my job because I am writing about a WINERACK. A BRA FOR WINE. I GET PAID TO DO THIS STUFF. I have used the WineRack but once, and I hate myself for it. Nonetheless, I know the WineRack and I have a lot more to experience together and I cannot wait to see what the future has in store for us.
Oh, and if you're a dude also trying to low-key guzzle alcohol, check out the aptly-named Beer Belly. You can instantly go from "hot guy" to "hot guy with a suspicious belly bulge!"