There is no time more perfect than a Monday morning for a resounding, F--k traffic! Maybe you don't live in Los Angeles, where traffic is a constant real-life nightmare, but you people still understand, yeah? So let's all vent together, yeah?
While we were sitting in traffic, we realized we had a lot of pressing questions about traffic.
1. If everyone kept moving, wouldn't there never be traffic?
This makes too much sense.
2. Why is my lane the only lane that's not moving? How is that possible?
3. Why doesn't the car in front of me see the nine car lengths in front of him?
4. There was no crash. There was no rubber necking. So why was there traffic?
5. The traffic literally just disappeared. Where did it go? Where did it come from?!
One second we were in bumper to bumper, the next we're flying down the highway!
6. Why is Waze/Google/Apple Maps not telling me about the traffic THAT I'M SITTING IN.
No, this street is not green. You suck, Apple Maps.
7. THIS IS A SURFACE STREET. How is there TRAFFIC on a SURFACE STREET?
8. Does no one except me know how to drive? Do these people have licenses?
9. Why doesn't anyone understand how merging works?
It's like a zipper: Let one car in ahead of you, one car goes behind you, and repeat.
10. Do people really think they can drive as far down the on-ramp and/or the shoulder of the road and then cut in at the very last minute to bypass all the traffic?
There is karmic justice in this world.
11. But also, can I do that?
12. And why don't people do the little wave whenever someone lets them in anymore?
13. Why can't the road be divided into lanes not based on how many people you have in your car ("the car pool lane"), but based on how good of a driver you are? And you have to take a test to move to the left lane, which would never have traffic ever?
14. Please stop texting at stoplights. You know you're not supposed to text while you're actually driving, but please stop sending off that quick text before the light turns green or responding to one quick email before traffic goes again.
Because then the light turns green and you don't notice and we're all just sitting there.
15. Why are you letting eight cars make unprotected left turns after the light turns red?
One car—maybe two, if the second car is speedy—is allowed to make an unprotected left hand turn as the light is transitioning from yellow to red. Not eight cars. NOT EIGHT. You can wait in the turn lane until the next light LIKE A HUMAN BEING and not screw over everyone's protected left hand turn going the other direction.
16. Alternatively, if you have an unprotected left turn with a green light and you are the first car in the turn lane PULL INTO THE INTERSECTION A LITTLE and when the light turns yellow GO.
17. Why are POLICE OFFICERS, OFFICERS OF THE LAW, zig zagging around on the highway at a speed of approximately 45 MILES PER HOUR with their LIGHTS ON to CREATE TRAFFIC?
A big middle finger to you, traffic. Everyone else, have a nice week.