We know you were all way too busy watching the Miley Cyrus special to pay any attention to all the other TV, so we're here to keep you updated on all the stuff you missed, like a big, stupid death on True Blood, the magical return of Witches of East End, and Kandi's Wedding's two-hour finale, in which Kandi and Todd finally tied the knot. Plus, we've got all the scoop on who is not a couple on Big Brother, and we're still sort of trying to figure out what's going on with The Leftovers. So join us, if you will, as we recap the night's biggest TV moments.
True Blood: Bon Temps continued to be terrorized by its own insane citizens, who now have guns. Sam transforms into an owl to get away after announcing that he is the law, which surely helped a ton. Lafayette and James talked Jessica's troubles and did drugs, and Sookie whined to Bill about how she doesn't love Alcide enough.
In a confrontation, Violet ripped out Maxine's heart after she shot Jessica, which obviously did not go over well. Alcide and Sam stood naked in a forest, wondering where Sookie was, while Sookie and Bill talked about Six Flags and waited for vampires to come and eat her. (Must be Sunday!)
Meanwhile, back in France, Eric explained how he ended up with Hep V and also did some nostalgia-ing, and it had something to do with the Authority and an Oliver Queen-esque choose-which-lady-you-like-better situation. Pam tried to convince him to come back with her and live, but he instead told her she was free and chose to die by himself in his fancy chair…until Pam revealed that Sarah Newlin was still alive, and thus killable, making Eric change his mind.
Sarah, meanwhile, was doing yoga and also sex with her yoga guru. She also had brown hair, signifying that she is a different person now. Unfortunately for her new self and her new sex friend, the Authority showed up to chop off the guru's head when he wouldn't tell them Sarah's whereabouts, while Sarah hid in the wine cellar. Sucks for you!
Then, there was a small battle with the armed citizens, a bunch of vampires, and Sam and Alcide, with Sookie cowering in the middle. As Alcide and Sam argued over who was better at protecting the poor helpless Sookie, somebody started shooting again, and got Alcide in the chest. He's dead! What! Why? Huh? Will anyone likeable be left alive by the time this show is over? We're thinking no.
Check out our interview with the departed here, and if you're feeling sad, at least there's always this, and many others like it:
Witches of East End: Tonight's Season 2 premiere was filled with developments of all kinds. First of all, Joanna's alive and well now, thanks to the return of her son Frederick and a cure for her poison. Freya learned about Dash's powers and Dash learned that he and Ingrid have the same abnormalities in their brains, while Wendy made a new "friend" with the guy she believed had come through the portal. Ingrid also got a job and we discovered that her sleepwalking has involved weird sexual encounters with the actual other thing that came through the portal—a snaky dude in the woods. Plus, Killian's still alive and hooking up with Bianca Lawson on an island, obviously.
The Leftovers: Is everyone on this show crazy or is it us? Garvey is still bothered by that weird dog-shooting guy while worrying that he'll end up in the same mental state as his father, especially when he thinks his breakfast is disappearing. He found his breakfast stuck in the toaster, but the rest is still up in the air.
Meg's initiation into the GR involves Laurie stealing her stuff and making her chop down a tree. It didn't seem to be working until Meg willingly went out to chop down the tree on her own. Plus, Nora Durst (who lost her entire family in the Departure) is going around asking people weird questions about their lost loved ones, Tom's cult leader friend is actually a rapist, and we continue to be mesmerized by this beautiful, nonsensical show.
Big Brother: It was the Devin show tonight as he remembered he had a baby daughter, grew a weirdly unnecessary conscience and apologized to everyone for trying to tell them that Donny was hiding things. His "confessions" were questioned by Brittany, which made Devin so angry (after just crying his way through a house meeting) that we were a tad afraid to see him Hulk out.
Meanwhile, Christine, who was already a member of the Bomb Squad, formed an adorkable second alliance with Hayden and Nicole, which could have been doomed when Amber announced that Hayden and Nicole were her nominations for eviction. Devin nominated Brittany and Paola, and assured Hayden and Nicole that they would not go home.
In the Battle of the Block, the nominees had to answer questions about terribly photoshopped pictures as they sped by on a screen, and Hayden and Nicole barely had to do anything to win, meaning Amber's no longer HoH and Paola and Brittany are still on the block.
Side-note: Our favorite new showmance, aside from the cute potential of Hayden and Nicole, is obviously "Zankie." Zach is "not gay," but he still feels like Frankie is his boyfriend. They cuddle, they ride around on each other's backs (and fronts), and caress each other in the night. It's very sweet, or something, maybe. Also: Devin and Caleb are super annoying, but it might have been cute when Caleb expressed his loneliness and Devin immediately offered to cuddle with him.
Kandi's Wedding: Finally, all the drama is over (or just beginning), and Todd and Kandi are married! Of course, they've been married in real life for several months now, but tonight we got to see it all unfold on screen. There was some drama with Todd not wanting to sign an extensive pre-nup and skipping the rehearsal dinner, but he eventually did sign on the afternoon of the wedding.
Mama Joyce was just slightly less insane than usual, trying to stir up problems with Kandi, Todd, and their respective daughters. However, she managed to give not too horrible of a toast and refrained from ruining everything. Some of Kandi's Real Housewives costars joined in on the festivities, including Porsha Williams, Cynthia Bailey and Phaedra Parks, and it was overall a fairly lovely and very Kandi wedding. Plus: Lions! Which may not have been the best idea...
So what did you watch tonight? Are you devastated by Alcide's death? Do you have any theories about what is even happening on The Leftovers? Were you expecting more Mama Joyce drama from Kandi's Wedding finale? Let us know in the comments!