Oh how we have missed you, True Blood. You might not always feature quality storytelling, but you do have a knack for pure entertainment and quality dream sequences, accompanied by pure ridiculousness, and tonight was no exception. Of course, True Blood wasn't all we got tonight. We said farewell to this season of Penny Dreadful and Nurse Jackie, while giving a permanent goodbye to Californication. Plus, Big Brother dethroned a Head of House, and spoiler alert: It was the mildly famous one. If you're all caught up on tonight's TV, join us as we recap some of its biggest moments.
True Blood: We opened with Eric hanging out, shirt wide open, in a lavish bedroom, and we were all like "He's alive!" Then Jason arrived and they proceeded to have some super steamy sexy times. That's it. That's what happened tonight on True Blood. You can all go home now.
Or not. It was all Jason's vampire blood-fueled dream, and in church, no less!
In other news, Sookie, Sam, Jason, Andy and Alcide found a ghost town where most people are dead. It was creepy, but we're gonna be honest, it could have been creepier. Sookie read a diary of a dead girl whose life sounded eerily similar to hers, prompting some misty Season 1 flashbacks.
While they were gone, Sam had asked the people of Bon Temps if they could help clean up a bit, but his plan to prevent hysteria didn't quite work out. The townspeople went about completely losing their minds, with help from the anti-vampire Vincent. They raided the police station of its guns and had a terrifying little gun party.
Arlene and Holly nearly escaped the vampire food fest with help from Arlene's fanged old schoolteacher, but the teacher melted into a puddle of black goo as she fed from Arlene's femoral artery. It was disgusting.
Finally, the moment we've been waiting for: Pam finally found Eric somewhere French, with darkened veins creeping out from under his shirt, indicating that Eric has been infected with the dreaded Hep V, and we are upset, we guess, but hey, at least he's not dead!
Penny Dreadful: What a finale! Caliban's got his bride, Ethan's now a wolf-man and Malcolm chose Vanessa as opposed to Mina, while it seems that Vanessa might stick with her little visitor after all. We didn't, unfortunately, get to see Brona as Caliban's bride, but he did seem pleased with what Victor had achieved with the poor dead girl. After Mina was revealed to still be a vampire, Malcolm let her go in favor of his father/daughter relationship with Vanessa, who, meanwhile, officially broke things off with Dorian, causing him to shed a tear. Poor guy. Maybe you still have a chance in Season 2?
Californication: Tonight, after seven seasons, we said a goodbye to Hank Moody, as he made peace with his daughter's wedding and set Julia up with Rath. At long last, he seemed to be happy with Karen, as they jetted off across the country to attend Becca's wedding. The final montage was essentially a happily ever after and we are fairly satisfied.
Nurse Jackie: Jackie's habits caught up to her in a big way in tonight's season finale, as the various people in her life started giving her ultimatums that all basically went like this: accept your addiction and start getting clean, or you're done. Of course, this didn't really work for Jackie, so with help from Eddie, her newly reestablished sex friend, she made plans to run away with a suitcase filled with pills. Of course, she didn't make it far before ramming her car into a parked ambulance, prompting the open suitcase to explode in a colorful storm of painkillers, leading to Jackie's arrest. Plus, Carrie and Cooper are having a baby, which will be a super fun disaster for next season.
Big Brother: It's time to put these twists to work! As they got settled into their Head of Household room, Caleb and Frankie started strategizing and formed an alliance called "The Bomb Squad," and decided on who to nominate for eviction. Frankie nominated Victoria and Brittany, and Caleb picked Paola and Donny. Victoria and Brittany won the 1920s swingset relay race, meaning Frankie lost his position as HoH, and Paola and Donny are up for elimination.
What did you watch tonight? Did you wish that True Blood sex scene were not a dream? Are you going to miss Californication? Which Big Brother HoH were you more annoyed with? Sound off in the comments!