On her Seemingly Glamorous Life: "I know what you're probably thinking: Mindy Kaling, why did they ask her? She's just a pretty Hollywood starlet. What does that quadruple threat know about the law? Sure, she seems really down-to-earth and pretty in a totally accessible way. And, yeah, she was on People magazine's Most Beautiful People list this year—and also in 2008—but what intelligent remarks could she possibly make about the law? She's probably too busy doing shampoo commercials. But I'm not too busy. In fact, I would love to do a shampoo commercial so if anyone from L'Oréal is out there please just Snapchat me after this."
On Her Preparation for the Speech: "So even though I have no idea why I was asked to speak here today, I have prepared this speech very carefully like any Dartmouth-educated graduate would. I drank a 40 of Jägermeister, then I called my dad to see if he would get me out of it—he could not get me out of it—so I tried to hire a college freshman to write it for me in exchange for a $200 gift card to Newbury Comics. That didn't work out. Finally, seeing that I absolutely had to do this and couldn't get out of it, rolled up my sleeves, sat down at the computer and tried to buy a commencement address off of MovingCommencementSpeeches.com. My credit card was declined, so I had to write the thing myself."
On the Bright Future of Harvard Grads: "And now with this diploma in hand, most of you will go on to the noblest of pursuits, like helping a cable company acquire a telecom company. You will defend BP from birds. You will spend hours arguing that the well water was contaminated well before the fracking occurred. One of you will sort out the details of my prenup. A dozen of you will help me with my acrimonious divorce."
On the University's Noteworthy Alumni: "Harvard Law has an incredible number of illustrious alumni. President Barack Obama attended Harvard Law, or so he says. Elle Woods went here, from the trenchant documentary Legally Blonde. It's a very moving film."
On Harvard's Rivalry With Yale: "I know that you have a chip on your shoulder, OK? Yale Law is always No. 1, and you are always No. 2. Sometimes Stanford comes in there and bumps you down to No. 3, but listen, let me tell you something. From where I stand, from an outsiders perspective, here's the truth: You are all nerds."
On Harvard's Reputation: "And back to this beautiful diploma, this Harvard law degree, it's not just a piece of paper. You can do whatever you want now, and this institution will follow you everywhere. If you kill someone, you are the Harvard Law Murderer. If you are caught in a lewd act in a public restroom, you're the Harvard Law Pervert, my friend."
On Hollywood: "Celebrities give too much advice, and people listen to it too much. In Hollywood, we all think we're these wise advice givers, and most of us have no education whatsoever."