There is no introduction we could possibly write that would adequately prepare you all for the video you're about to watch. And we're sorry. But we have to talk about this. Much in the same way that dogs lick themselves. Because they can and they must.
And it's funny that we mention animal genitalia, because that's what we would rather be looking at than this video.
So Toby Sheldon, who spent $100,000 on plastic surgery to try (and fail) to look like Justin Bieber, got together with Kitty Jay, who spent $25,000 on plastic surgery to try (and fail) to look like Jennifer Lawrence. They decided to record a song with Venus D'Lite, a contestant from RuPaul's Drag Race (RuPaul deserves so much better!) who spent thousands on plastic surgery to try (and fail) to look like Madonna.
They call themselves The Plastics. The song is called "The Plastics."
We call this situation a crime against humanity.
And because hell exists, they made a music video to go along with their "song."
So, to sum up, three people who look zero like the celebs they got plastic surgery to resemble awkwardly talk-sing and "rap" through a tune about how everyone should be jealous of their life.
If you don't want to watch the video, no one blames you. You're making a healthy decision. But to get an idea of what it's like, please just sample some lyrics and GIFs:
Toby: "A Belieber from day one, couldn't take what age had done/ Watched Justin's videos, imitated how he posed/ Jealous of his perfect face, wish I could take his place/ Docs made my dreams come true, now I'm Justin number two!"
The only thing to take away from those lyrics is the phrase "number two," as in "this song and video is like a giant, steaming pile of s--t just raining down on us."
Kitty: "My name is Kitty Jay/ you know I'm your flavor…"
We're going to stop you right there, Kitty. Unless your flavor is that awful aftertaste you get from dry-swallowing aspirin, then no, you are no one's flavor.
Venus: "I got my butt done/ Each cheek/ It was painful"
Venus, honey, you don't know pain until you've watched this video.
Here they are "recording" their song:
And here they are trying to look sexy in a doctor's office while Toby gets more Botox:
Because when people in the music industry want to find a sexy location, they drive directly to a tiny, fluorescent-lit office.
Awkward plastic surgery group hug. ya'll!
You guys are just like Destiny's Child! Except for the lack of talent. And the lack of normal faces. And the inability to show emotion. But still...just like them!
You can watch the full video below, but only if you dare:
Who else is to blame for this?!
"Produced by David Petrilla and Joey Cole."
We've got names, folks! Let's show 'em how we feel about this!