Ten years ago, we were introduced to Cady Heron, Regina George and The Plastics, as well as the rest of the students and staff at North Shore High School. A lot has changed in the decade since Mean Girls.
Using news stories, movies, and, duh, gossip (three-way calling was invented for a reason), we were able to piece together what has become of everyone following that fateful Spring Fling dance.
April 29, 2004: After Cady Heron was crowned Spring Fling Queen, peace was brought to North Shore High. During their senior year, Regina joins the lacrosse team, Karen Smith pursues her passion for meteorology, and Gretchen Wieners becames a "Cool Asian."
June 25, 2004: Following graduation, Regina George moves to Seabrook Island, S.C., where she meats a local boy, Noah Calhoun, at a carnival. They begin an epic love affair, and if Regina is a bird, he's a bird.
Sept. 22, 2004: Karen Smith moves from Evanston, Ill., to Neptune, Calif., where she is murdered. Her best friend, Veronica Mars, solves the crime, though it haunts her for years.
June 12, 2005: After graduation, Glen Coco moves to Pittsburgh, and comes out as gay. He befriends queer folks named Brian and Justin. Four for you, Glen Coco! You go, Glen Coco!
June 22, 2005: Cady Heron claims she is a race car driver in possession of a Volkswagen Beetle with magical powers. We always knew she was a homeschooled jungle freak. Perhaps this way an early sign of troubles to come.
Sept. 10, 2005: Ms. Norbury moves on from that divorce she got over the summer and gives birth to her first daughter, Alice Zenobia Richmond. The father is not Principal Duvall.
July 28, 2006: Cady is publically reprimanded by her latest boss, who calls her "irresponsible and unprofessional" and says, "We are well aware that your ongoing all-night heavy parting is the real reason for your so-called 'exhaustion.'"
Jan. 17, 2007: Feeling like her life is spinning out of control—much like that party she threw while her parents were out of town and she puked on Aaron Samuels—Cady checks herself into the Wonderland Center rehabilitation facility for 30 days.
July 24, 2007: Following Wonderland, Cady is arrested for DUI. She checks herself into another rehab center, Promises in Malibu, for 45 days. Less than two weeks after leaving Malibu, she is arrested again for possession of cocaine and DUI. Cady blames it all on the black kid (who is probably just from Michigan).
July 27, 2007: Following a third stint in rehab, Cady becomes a stripper. A couple claims they are her parents. They are not Mr. and Mrs. Heron. But their daughter LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE HER. Cady investigates the girl's disappearance and until she can confidently say, "I know who killed me." (By "me," she means the girl who looks like her.)
Oct. 18, 2007: Regina's boyfriend announces they have broken up. The world mourns.
Jan. 18, 2008: Janis Ian is living in New York and attends a going-away party for some dude who's going to Japan for work. During the party, a monster attacks the city. One of her other friends films the entire thing. It's scarier than that time Cady dressed up as
Bride of Frankenstein an ex-wife for Halloween.
July 18, 2008: Apparently Karen only faked her death, because by 2008, she is living in Greece and planning her wedding. Karen's mom doesn't know who Karen's father is (it might even be her second cousin, these are the Smiths we're talking about), so Karen invites three potential dad candidates to the wedding to find out.
April 25, 2008: Ms. Norbury hires Mrs. George to be her surrogate, possibly (probably) because Mrs. George isn't like a regular mom, she's a cool mom. Ms. Norbury possibly (probably) used money from when she was a drug pusher to pay for it.
July 7, 2008: Cady admits she is dating a female DJ. Now none of us can invite her to our all-girl birthday pool parties. We mean, we can't have a lesbian at our party. There are going to be girls there in their bathing suits. We mean, right? She's a LESBIAN.
Oct. 28, 2008: Ms. Norbury is mistaken for Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin.
April 9, 2009: Mrs. George moves from Evanston to Pawnee, Ind., where she is hired to run the Parks and Recreation division of local government. In doing so, she gives up her former life of velour track suits and happy hour from four to six.
Aug. 25, 2009: Cady's home is robbed by a group of wannabe Plastics called the Bling Ring. Ugh, can't we all just bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy?
Sept. 20, 2010: After Cady fails a drug test, her probation is revoked and an arrest warrant is issued. The court orderes her to check into the Betty Ford Center and stay there for three months. Shortly after leaving this rehab, she is charged with theft and put under house arrest.
Sept. 28, 2011: Perhaps as a result of watching their daughter devolve from mathlete to menace to society, Mrs. and Mr. Heron divorce. Mrs. Heron relocates to Chatswin, where she trades collecting fertility vases of the Ndebele tribe for attending PTA meetings.
Oct. 2, 2011: After high school, Shane Oman joins the United States Marine Corps and befriends a scout sniper named Nicholas Brody. While Brody is being held captive by al-Qaeda, Shane starts hooking up with his wife. Presumably not in the projector room above the auditorium.
Nov. 29, 2012: Cady is arrested for allegedly assaulting a fortune teller at a New York club, because the two women were (rumor has it) fighting over the same guy. Looks like girl world and the animal world aren't so different after all.
Dec. 20, 2012: Ms. Norbury gives up teaching and starts writing a late-night skit show in NYC. For six years she tries to balance her personal life with her professional goals. But in 2012, her show ends and she moves on to bigger and better things...
Jan. 14, 2013: Like when Ms. Norbury hosts the Golden Globes! Seeing your math teacher host an awards show is so weird, like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs. During the show, Ms. Norbury takes a page out of the Burn Book and personally victimizes Taylor Swift . Afterwards, Taylor says there is a special place in hell for Ms. Norbury.
April 16, 2013: Karen Smith announces that her boobs had shrunk, which probably affects her ESPN. Sadly, Karen probably can no longer tell
when it was going to rain when it was raining.
Sept. 23, 2013: Ms. Norbury has a nip slip! It is almost as embarrassing as that time that she spilled coffee on herself and then her shirt got stuck over her head and everyone in her 11th grade math class saw her bra.
Oct. 24, 2013: Aaron Samuels, who went to Northwestern University after graduating from North Shore, becomes a spin instructor in Los Angeles. His workout motto? "Your limit does not exist."
Dec. 22, 2013: Gretchen Wieners gets married! She wears white and her hair was big, because it is full of secrets. She says one of the most memorable parts of the day was when her father, the inventor of Toaster Strudels, walked her down the aisle.
Jan. 23, 2014: As a belated wedding present to Gretchen, Regina confirms that fetch still is never going to happened.
Feb. 14, 2014: Cady is seen fraternizing with Damian and Kevin Gnapoor. It is now, as it always was, basically social suicide. It also isn't on a Wednesday, so they aren't wearing pink. Oh my god, Cady, we love that green plastic bracelet! Where did you get it?
March 9, 2014: Cady gets her own reality show to prove that everything is grool in her life. Irregardless, the series is mostly just boring.
April 22, 2014: Even though we always knew he was too gay to function (and it's only cool when we say that), Damian finally comes out of the closet. Words won't bring him down.
April 29, 2014: Ah, the 10 year reunion. Cady, who doesn't have much else going on in her life, wants to get the class back together to reminisce about the glory days. Everyone else is like, "We can't go out. We're sick."
Happy 10th anniversary of Mean Girls, you grotsky little byotches!