Captain America: The Winter Soldier dominated the box office this weekend with a "record-breaking premiere." Not surprisingly, Marvel will bring him back in another solo installment and today, they announced the release date for Captain America 3: May 6, 2016.
Surprisingly, this all happened and Chris Evans did not have even one shirtless scene in Cap 2. Not one. (Seriously, fire whoever is in charge of Chris Evans' contract, because that is unacceptable.)
To celebrate The Winter Soldier's success, and because we'll use any opportunity to ogle shirtless superheroes, here is every Marvel man topless and ranked by hotness. You are welcome.
13. Mickey Rourke in Iron Man 2
Who Is Shirtless? Ivan Vanko aka Whiplash
Why Is He Shirtless? After fighting with Iron Man on the Monaco Grand Prix racetrack, Ivan is taken into custody and sits, shirtless, in his jail cell when Tony Stark arrives to talk with him.
How Is the Shirtlessness? There's a reason you've never Google Image searched, "Mickey Rourke Shirtless."
12. Chris Evans in Captain America: The First Avenger
Who Is Shirtless? Steve Rogers
Why Is He Shirtless? A scrawny Steve Rogers attempts to enlist in the military, but is promptly denied.
How Is the Shirtlessness? CGI, for one. But at least he still has Chris Evans face?
11. Tim Roth in The Incredible Hulk
Who Is Shirtless? Emil Blonsky aka the Abomination
Why Is He Shirtless? Blonsky spends the first part of the movie tracking down The Hulk with a SWAT team, then is later injected with a Super-Soldier Serum to turn him into the Hulk-esque Abomination (he's shirtless during the procedure).
How Is the Shirtlessness? Not an abomination—[insert rimshot here]—but there's also not too much going on there.
10. The Hulk in The Avengers
Who Is Shirtless? The Hulk
Why Is He Shirtless? You wouldn't like him when he's angry (Translation: Whenever his human form, Bruce Banner, gets all riled up, he transforms into The Hulk) and Men's Warehouse does not make Hulk-size suits.
How Is the Shirtlessness? Pro: Muscles! Con: Green muscles!
9. Robert Downey Jr. in Iron Man
Who Is Shirtless? Tony Stark aka Iron Man
Why Is He Shirtless? Tony asks his assistant, Pepper Potts (aka Gwyneth Paltrow, aka The Best Abs in the Marvel Comicbook Universe) to help him replace the arc reactor in his chest. His bare chest.
How Is the Shirtlessness? OK, Robert Downey Jr.'s body is not bad. Not bad at all. But something weird is going on here—and we don't just mean that aluminum hole in the center of his "chest." Maybe it's just that his nipples look weird? What's going on with his nips? He is not giving good nip game here, among other concerns.
8. Edward Norton in The Incredible Hulk
Who Is Shirtless? Bruce Banner aka The Hulk
Why Is He Shirtless? Take your pick: He's shirtless when he gets exposed to gamma radiation for the first time. And then he's shirtless every time he transitions into or out of Hulk form.
How Is the Shirtlessness? It's good, but not as good as...
7. Mark Ruffalo in The Avengers
Who Is Shirtless? Bruce Banner aka The Hulk, version 2.0
Why Is He Shirtless? After Hulking out on the S.H.I.E.L.D helicarrier, he survives a fall to Earth and wakes up in an empty warehouse, where a janitor points him in the direction of his pants.
How Is the Shirtlessness? We want to braid all that wonderful chest hair!
6. Robert Downey Jr. in Iron Man 3
Who Is Shirtless? Tony Stark aka Iron Man
Why Is He Shirtless? Tony undergoes a surgery to remove the shrapnel from his chest (which means he won't need to wear the arc reactor anymore, but don't worry, he'll always be Iron Man).
How Is the Shirtlessness? Now this is what we're talking about, RDJ! Look at those nips!
5. Sebastian Stan in Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Who Is Shirtless? James Buchanan "Bucky" Barnes aka The Winter Soldier
Why Is He Shirtless? SPOILERS: After surviving the first movie, Bucky was cryogenically frozen, kind of like Cap, then programmed to become a HYDRA assassin. This particular shirtless scene is Bucky being wiped and reprogrammed.
How Is the Shirtlessness? We've never been turned on by a metal arm before, so that's new.
4. Chris Hemsworth in Thor: The Dark Word
Who Is Shirtless? Thor, God of Thunder
Why Is He Shirtless? Gratuitous partial nudity at its finest. (Thor is bathing after a battle or something, it doesn't matter, LOOK AT THOSE PECS.)
How Is the Shirtlessness? Gratuitous:
3. Chris Hemsworth in Thor
Who Is Shirtless? Thor, Son of Odin and Prince of Asgard
Why Is He Shirtless? After landing on Earth, Thor is taken in by Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) and given Earth clothes. Jane's assistant, Darcy, comments, "For a crazy homeless person, he's pretty cut." We would like to also on, on the record, DAT ASS.
How Is the Shirtlessness? We wish there were a subplot of this movie where Thor became an Abercrombie & Fitch model. Or at least went to an Abercrombie & Fitch store and tried on all of the jeans.
2. Chris Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy
Who Is Shirtless? Peter Quill aka Star-Lord
Why Is He Shirtless? The movie hasn't come out yet, so we're not exactly sure under what circumstances Peter Quill finds himself shirtless. But we do know this shot was used in the trailer and we're in. Take our money. Give us this now, please.
How Is the Shirtlessness? Andy Dwyer, who?
1. Chris Evans in Captain America: The First Avenger
Who Is Shirtless? Steve Rogers aka Captain America
Why Is He Shirtless? After his attempt to enlist is rebuffed (see: No. 12), Steve undergoes a Super-Soldier experiment with the Scientific Strategic Reserve that gives him lots and lots of muscles. So many wonderful muscles!
How Is the Shirtlessness? So nice we want to see it twice!
And, what do you know? Here he is again...