So you've been without the Internet all week? That's a shame. Or maybe you make it your life mission to stay away from any and all pop culture-related news? That's not a great life choice. But whatever your excuse for being behind on the latest and greatest stories, we are here to catch your ass up!
1. LiLo Gets It Done: Lindsay Lohan (allegedly) had sex with everyone from Ashton Kutcher to James Franco. She also called Orlando Bloom "Orli" and she can't spell Zac Efron's name correctly, which is a crime on par with punching puppies in the face.
2. Local News Is a Never-Ending Source of Comedy: Los Angeles anchors gave us a perfect example of the "duck and cover" method during Monday's mild earthquake in Los Angeles, while another local news station in Denver gave us a picture of a penis on live TV. Thanks, Denver!
3. Thor Can Reproduce like a Norse God: Chris Hemsworth's swimmers are so powerful that he was able to spawn not one, but two children in one go.
4. TV Is an Exquisite Form of Torture: Scandal killed off a major character for the first time ever, and it punched us in the feelings bone. R.I.P., our sweet James. Also Teen Wolf killed off Allison, so this week was a rough one for TV fans.
5. Miley Cyrus Has Never Heard of Sunscreen: So she burnt the crap out of her boobs. Kids, do not do this. Always wear sunscreen.
6. Disney Keeps Blowing Mind Holes: Have you read this Little Mermaid-Frozen-Tangled theory? Warning: you'll never watch any of those movies the same way again.
7. Jenny McCarthy Still Gets Singled Out: Jenny asked a simple question on Twitter: "What is the most important personality trait you look for in a mate?" And then Twitter did what it does best: mocked a celebrity for their controversial beliefs. In this case, it was about her stance against vaccinations.
8. Naya Rivera Has a Crazy-Good Pushup Bra: If those boobs are not the work of plastic surgery, as a source claims they aren't, then we need the name of her bra provider. Stat. Girl, where are those thing registered?!
10. Kimye Is the Most Talked About Couple in the World: Or so says Vogue. Twitter disagrees.