Happy St. Patrick's Day! Does everyone have green on? Maybe a "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" T-shirt? Those are always crowd pleasers! Today is so magical, right?
False. It's not magical at all. Do you know why? Because of the terrifying creature that is a leprechaun.
Don't try and tell us that those mythical beings are adorable and that they hop around rainbows and can share pots of gold with you. And we don't care if Lucky Charms' mascot is a cartoon leprechaun. Because even that guy is kind of shady. He's always mad about kids going after his Lucky Charms, and we know one of these days he's going to turn into a horror-movie version of himself and just start slaughtering everything around him.
OK, maybe our opinion on these St. Patty's devils might stem from the fact that the movie Leprechaun, starring pre-Friends Jennifer Aniston, traumatized us when we were younger. And also they made like nine Leprechaun films. So not only does this movie exist to scare humans, but there's a whole series of flicks about that disgusting-looking leprechaun (Harry Potter's Warwick Davis) .
So before you think about dressing up like a leprechaun or befriending them tonight, let us bring you the facts about why they are actually awful:
1. Since they're so small, they can hide anywhere. You never know when those a--holes are going to come crashing in from the ceiling…
2. …or popping out of the fridge.
3. See! Not even an innocent phone call is safe. What's with the tiny hand?!
4. They really want you to see their grotesque appearance. So much so, they will light up all the shadows on their face to make sure you don't miss an inch of that horrifying skin.
5. Oh, you didn't want a leprechaun stroking your bare leg? Because they do that, too. Creeps.
6. Not even a fabulous hand motion can keep you from being the worst, leprechaun jerk. Jazz hands? More like death hands, right?!
7. Sometimes they appear and disappear using blue light that illuminates their skeletal system. Nobody wants to see what the inside of a leprechaun looks like! Get that mess out of here.
8. Now let's talk about how their mode of transportation is creepy as hell. They manage to ruin treasured childhood pastimes like riding a tricycle…
9. …or using a pogo stick. (Spoiler alert: the leprechaun kills a guy by pogo-sticking on his chest. Yeah. Awful, right? Not even Michael Myers would stoop so low.)
10. Scenario: A leprechaun is coming at you down a hallway using a gurney. Do you turn and face him or do you jump out a nearby window? Our instant reaction is to just jump out a window. We'd rather face the ground coming at us than that damn leprechaun.
11. SWEET CHRIST LOOK AT THAT AWFUL FACE. DIE, LEPRCHAUN, DIE!
12. And their weaknesses are terrible! Leprechauns have this crazy need to clean and polish shoes. So we hope everyone has a pile of shoes with them at all times in case he tries to kill you.
13. Not even Amy Poehler and Justin Timberlake can make leprechauns OK. And you know the situation is dire when two awesome humans like Amy and J.T. can't save it. Look how she's hugging his torso! He is moments away from being crushed to death by those tiny but powerful arms.
In summary: Leprechauns are not, we repeat, not magical in the slightest. They are terrifying creatures sent from hell to torture us on St. Patrick's Day.
Get 'em, Jen.