The name-dropping is the best part of the story though, so here it is in an easy-to-digest format:
Jessica Biel Is Nice: "I decide to use the restroom before I sit. Jessica Biel holds the door open for me and compliments my dress—no human being should be allowed to have her face and body."
Margot Robbie Maybe Steals: "I get inside and Margot Robbie from Wolf of Wall Street shows me her Kardashian-sized diamond ring in line for the toilet and says ‘I feel like a guy with a gun should be following me—I could be halfway to Mexico with this by now.'"
Channing Tatum Is Also Nice: "Some guy picks up my purse that had fallen off my seat and I say ‘Thank you… Channing Tatum'..."
Jennifer Garner Laughs Awkwardly:."..and my dress gets caught on Jennifer Garner and we awkwardly laugh and someone tries to separate us."
Kerry Washington Is Hungry: "The lovely pregnant Kerry Washington asks me if she could have the Slim Jim in my purse."
Glenn Close Has Secret: "Glenn Close shows us her Oscar secret, which is a handmade corset and a dress long enough to hide her comfortable shoes."
Miss J From America's Next Top Model Was There (??? Why ???): "Miss J is sashaying around the room being crazy fabulous and I am one of maybe two non-famous people there.
Penelope Cruz Is Always Watching: "I kind of just sit there and smile creepily when someone catches me staring—shout out to Penelope Cruz."
Brad Pitt Is Musky: "After the show we go backstage where I meet Brad and Angelina [Jolie]. Brad Pitt smells amazing, like nothing I've ever smelled. Eventually we ask what cologne he's wearing and he tells us, ‘I don't wear cologne, it's just my musk I guess.'"
Bill Murray Just Wants to Dance: "[I] decide to follow Bill Murray around the party. At one point he looks in my direction and winks at me while dancing to ‘If You Want My Body and You Think I'm Sexy' by Rod Stewart—a moment, I now realize, my whole life had been leading up to."
Rachel Zoe Speaks in Made Up Words: "Rachel Zoe grabs my arm and tells me I look "mage" (if you don't know her lingo, that's short for major and the highest compliment you can receive)."
Harvey Weinstein Is Harvey Weinstein: "Harvey Weinstein at the bar shaking my hand and saying, ‘you know who I am.'"
Laura wraps up the piece by with the after parties (they couldn't enjoy themselves at Vanity Fair because "everyone, whether they know my date or not, has some weird story they just NEED to tell her as they stand in front of me pushing me out of the circle," they enjoyed themselves much more at the after-after-party "with the exception of a few weirdos) and concludes, "The whole experience was completely exhausting, overwhelming and surreal."
"I think what I took most away from the evening was how lovely all the women were," she continues. "Actresses tend to get a bad reputation but every woman I met was lovely, witty and introduced themselves to me even though I wasn't famous—even Anne Hathaway."