We Picked the Oscar Winners Using the Most Superficial System Ever

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The Wolf of Wall Street, Leonardo DiCaprio, American Hustle, Jennifer Lawrence, Chiwetel Ejiofor, 12 Years a Slave
The Wolf of Wall Street, Leonardo DiCaprio, American Hustle, Jennifer Lawrence, Chiwetel Ejiofor, 12 Years a Slave Paramount Pictures/Sony Pictures/Fox Searchlight

Since the Oscar nominations were announced people have been doing two things:

1. Complaining about the nominations
2. Predicting the winners

We're not here to talk about the first thing. We are here to help predict the winners. But since every other expert, blogger, tweeter, newspaper, website and that weird guy dressed like an Oscar statue on the corner of Hollywood and Vine have been using actual data and research to pick the winners, we are going…a different route.

READ: Here's our cheat cheet for all the Best Picture movies you didn't see

Hey, you've already read all the statistical odds about each major category, so why not give our highly sophisticated totally shallow system a try? Meaning, we know that the reasons we are picking these winners are stupid, so don't scroll down expecting well thought-out predictions. You will be severely disappointed.

So with that in mind, we now present: Our picks for the winners of the 86th annual Academy Awards based on the most superficial reasons ever:

Leonardo DiCaprio, The Wolf of Wall Street, Holiday Movie Guide Paramount Pictures

Best Picture
Winner: The Wolf of Wall Street
Reason: We laughed so hard at that scene where Leonardo DiCaprio is so high and messed up on drugs that he has to drag and roll his lifeless body around. Leo can kill it doing physical comedy. Who knew?

READ: Our official guide to not being lame on the red carpet

Alfonso Cuaron, Sandra Bullock Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images for DGA

Best Director
Winner: Alfonso CuarónGravity
Reason: We love how his name rolls off our tongues.

Matthew McConaughey, The Dallas Buyers Club Focus Features

Best Actor
Winner: Matthew McConaugheyDallas Buyers Club
Reason: Because we can't wait to hear his acceptance speech, and we know it'll start with: "Alright, alright, alright."

Michael Fassbender, 12 Years a Slave, Twelve Years a Slave Fox Searchlight

Best Supporting Actor
Winner: Michael Fassbender, 12 Years a Slave
Because he's hot. And his penis.

Lupita Nyong'o, BAFTA Film Awards 2014 Press Association via AP Images

Best Supporting Actress
Winner: Lupita Nyong'o12 Years a Slave
Have you seen the way she rules the red carpet? Her dresses are to die for!

Frozen GIF

Best Animated Feature
Winner: Frozen
Reason: Because we sing "Let It Go" at least four times a day: in the car driving to work, at work, in the car driving home from work and finally at home to our cats.

So, if Academy voters just happened to pick the winners based on completely arbitrary and superficial reasons, then these will definitely be the ones walking to the stage come Sunday night. 

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