Since the Oscar nominations were announced people have been doing two things:
1. Complaining about the nominations
2. Predicting the winners
We're not here to talk about the first thing. We are here to help predict the winners. But since every other expert, blogger, tweeter, newspaper, website and that weird guy dressed like an Oscar statue on the corner of Hollywood and Vine have been using actual data and research to pick the winners, we are going…a different route.
Hey, you've already read all the statistical odds about each major category, so why not give our highly sophisticated totally shallow system a try? Meaning, we know that the reasons we are picking these winners are stupid, so don't scroll down expecting well thought-out predictions. You will be severely disappointed.
So with that in mind, we now present: Our picks for the winners of the 86th annual Academy Awards based on the most superficial reasons ever:
Winner: The Wolf of Wall Street
Reason: We laughed so hard at that scene where Leonardo DiCaprio is so high and messed up on drugs that he has to drag and roll his lifeless body around. Leo can kill it doing physical comedy. Who knew?
Winner: Alfonso Cuarón, Gravity
Reason: We love how his name rolls off our tongues.
Winner: Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club
Reason: Because we can't wait to hear his acceptance speech, and we know it'll start with: "Alright, alright, alright."
Best Supporting Actor
Winner: Michael Fassbender, 12 Years a Slave
Reason: Because he's hot. And his penis.
Best Supporting Actress
Winner: Lupita Nyong'o, 12 Years a Slave
Reason: Have you seen the way she rules the red carpet? Her dresses are to die for!
Best Animated Feature
Reason: Because we sing "Let It Go" at least four times a day: in the car driving to work, at work, in the car driving home from work and finally at home to our cats.
So, if Academy voters just happened to pick the winners based on completely arbitrary and superficial reasons, then these will definitely be the ones walking to the stage come Sunday night.