The news is out: Adam Brody and Leighton Meester got secretly married! And while congratulations are in order, we'd also like to send an itemized bill to the newlyweds for the acute lack of productivity on behalf of every single OC and Gossip Girl fan who did nothing all day but try to process this information.
It just…Does. Not . Compute.
She's an uppity, scheming, pretentious East Coast girl. He's an adorable, awkward, social pariah from, duh, Orange County. How can these two crazy kids possibly make it work?! We are concerned!
Sure, we know somewhere in the most obscure corners of our brains that Adam Brody and Leighton Meester people are, in reality, simply actors who both happened to land roles on two fan-favorite TV series created by Josh Schwartz.
But we also know in our heart of hearts that Blair Waldorf and Seth Cohen are in fact real people—living and breathing and spouting off all kinds of sassy one-liners, as any OC and Gossip Girl fan can tell you. And so we can't help but imagine what a marriage between these two very real TV characters would be like.
After much fangirl soul-searching and scientific deduction , we have arrived at the eight indisputable facts of what would happen if Blair Waldorf and Seth Cohen got married:
1. The Waldorf-Cohen house would be the happiest place on Earth for holidays. Screw Disneyland. Chrismakkuh is SETH'S THING. Thanksgiving is BLAIR's THING. And never the two shall mix.
2. The Waldorf-Cohen kitchen pantry would be filled with roughly 850 bottles of Chardonnay at any given time: Kirsten and Lily Van der Woodsen are now under one roof quite often.
3. Blair would gain 15 pounds, minimum, from all the bagels (Yes, Sandy visits every morning), and subsequently instruct Dorota to concoct a hologram version. Problem solved.
4. Blair would realize the precise reason why Seth named his boat "Summer Breeze" and promptly instruct one of her minions to burn it down.
5. Seth will briefly consider leaving Blair for Ryan when he learns of Ryan's new Batman/Gotham connection—but ultimately decide to stay with Blair.
6. Blair will quickly enact a "no throwing anyone in the pool" edict. Do you know how much those headbands cost, you Barbarians?
7. They would name their child Josh Ryan Sandy Cyrus Chuck Waldorf-Cohen. Duh.
8. Chuck Bass probably wouldn't survive the heartache…And have hot sex with Marissa Cooper for all of eternity.
What did we forget? Hit the comments.