Look, the Olympics are great. And we're looking forward to the upcoming Winter Olympics, which start this Friday, Feb. 7. But as a normal human, we just can't relate to a lot of the events. Curling? Figure skating? Bobsledding? We don't have time (or skills) for that.
That is why we want to enter a plea to allow certain everyday activities to count as Olympic events. Where is the gold medal for watching the most cat videos in a day? Why don't we get roses when we take a selfie that doesn't look like we have nine chins? Where's the love for watching every episode of Breaking Bad on Netflix?! We're representing our countries over here!
Olympic committee, for your consideration, we want these events to henceforth officially be considered sports:
Event: Binge-Watching
How to Compete: Fire up Netflix or your DVR. See how long you can watch the same show without a break. Bathroom visits are OK, but not encouraged.
How to Win: Definitely pick shows that have more than five seasons. We recommend Law & Order: SVU, which has had 56 15 seasons. Whoever lasts longest, wins.
Event: Emoticon-ing
How to Compete: Have a text conversation only using emoticons. No words allowed.
How to Win: Try and beat this.
Event: Sleeping
How to Compete: Sleep in as long as possible. Bonus points if you blow off work, plans with friends or school to sleep longer.
How to Win: When someone kicks down your door because people are genuinely worried you might be dead as it's 4 p.m. and you are still asleep, you win.
Event: Secret Starbucks
How to Compete: Go to local Starbucks. Order as many off-menu drinks as possible.
How to Win: You are victorious if a barista drops a steaming pot of milk out of shock because you couldn't possibly know about the Trenta-sized Cinnamon Bun Hot Chocolate Pink Rocket Frappuccino!
Event: Cat Videos
How to Compete: Watch every cat video you can find on the Internet.
How to Win: When you actually start to believe you are a cat. You have to pee in a litter box to prove it.
Event: Internet Trolling
How to Compete: Hop on your favorite website that allows you to leave comments. Start typing awful, negative and grammatically challenged sentences under whatever article you want. All caps preferred, but not required. No "FIRST" comments, as that is best left to the amateurs.
How to Win: Angering more than five people with your biased and uninformed comment, but it only counts if you misuse "your" or "you're."
Event: Real Housewiving
How to Compete: Watch every single episode of every single Real Housewives franchise without feeling like you are wasting your life.
How to Win: Manage to correctly identify and differentiate between castmembers. For example: Is that above photo Vicki Gunvalson, Yolanda Foster, Aviva Drescher, Brandi Glanville or Tamra Barney?
Event: Cumberbatching
How to Compete: Decide if you think Benedict Cumberbatch is attractive or not.
How to Win: Successfully convince other people that Benedict is "so hot you want to spread him on a cracker" or "so ugly you have managed to block all images and mentions of him on Google."
Event: The Selfies
How to Compete: Take out iPhone (or whatever that other smartphone is) and take photos of yourself. You cannot have anyone else take it. It must be an arms-out kind of photo.
How to Win: Post to Facebook with the caption: "Just not feeling pretty today." Whoever gets the most comments in the vein of "shut up, you look so pretty!" and "beautiful girl, smile!" wins.
How to Win (Part Two): Girls, take a photo of your cleavage with some of your face in the shot. Post to Facebook and insist you want people to see your new hairstyle! If anyone believes you, you win.
Event: Pintrest Failing
How to Compete: Pick an arts and crafts project on Pintrest and attempt it.
How to Win: If your project looks the exact opposite of the one on Pintrest, you win. Bonus points if the attempt leaves you with permanent damage, like half your hair is now forever dyed rose gold.
Event: Social Life Eliminator
How to Compete: Cancel any plan that pops up. Ignore texts. Stay inside.
How to Win: Being alone and doing nothing is awesome, so everybody wins this one.
What do you think should be considered an Olympic event? Besides "trying to care about the Olympics," obviously.
Don't miss a moment of the Winter Olympics! E! begins broadcasting from Sochi starting Feb. 7!