You know that Beyoncé concert last year where some dudes played some football before and after Bey performed? Well it's happening again this year, except that Beyoncé won't be there (apparently Bruno Mars is an acceptable substitute? Uh, no) and it's called the Super Bowl.
We assume you're probably going to a Super Bowl party this weekend—what else do you have to do?—and, even though you have absolutely no stakes in the game, you'll want to root for a team.
By the way, those teams are the Seattle Seahawks and the Denver Broncos. Now you know!
Here are some non-football factors to base your decision on:
Team Colors: Unless you are seriously committed to passing as a sports fan who actually cares about sports, you'll just wear something from your closet that is vaguely representative of the colors of whichever team you decide to root for.
The Seahawks' colors are blue and silver with green. You definitely have at least a blue shirt in your closet that you can say you're wearing for Seattle. The Broncos are orange and blue, but if you wear blue, you're likely to be mistaken for a Seahawks fan. You have to go orange on this one. Do you already own anything orange?
Quarterbacks: More specifically, which team has the hotter quarterback? It's probably the most important non-football factor in your decision (not probably, definitely), so take all the time you need to Google image search Russell Wilson (Seahawks) and Peyton Manning (Broncos).
And forget interceptions and touchdowns and WHATEVER, here are the only stats you need:
Height: 5' 11"
Weight 206 lbs.
Height: 6' 5"
Weight 230 lbs.
Team Mascots: Each team has two mascots: The Seahawks have Blitz, their dude in a Seahawk costume, and Taima, an actual hawk. The Broncos have Miles, their dude in a Bronco costume, and Thunder, an Arabian gelding horse.
If we're talking about the actual animal mascots fighting to the death, a horse could probably take a hawk. But, you know, hawks are pretty scrappy and have the advatage of flying. As for the people in the costumes and their big accomplishments, a quick YouTube search reveals that Miles once surprised someone's grandma once (nice!) while Blitz has gone skydiving (neat!):
Who Will Probably Win? Let's be honest, you want to root for the winning team—especially if loyalty or pride in your city or any of that other B.S. doesn't factor in. It feels good to win. We'll go as far as to say: It feels as good to root on a winning team at a Super Bowl party as it does to be on that winning team and have actually played in the game. Same thing.
ESPN (aka the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network—they're kind of a big deal in the sports world) predict that the Broncos will win. Las Vegas also has Broncos as the favorite (so people are literally putting their money where their mouth is).
Seahawks-Broncos is No. 1 scoring offense vs. No. 1 scoring defense, No. 1 total offense vs. No. 1 total defense and matchup of No. 1 seeds.? ESPN Stats & Info (@ESPNStatsInfo) January 20, 2014
A Final Compelling Case: Here are some closing sentiments from an actual Broncos fan and an actual Seahawks fan, who would love for you to root for their team this weekend. Do with this what you will.
"Peyton Manning has come back from what could have been a career-ending neck surgery and he's come back with a vengeance. He's one of the oldest QB's in the game, yet he broke almost every record there is this season. He needs that second Super Bowl ring solely based on the fact that he's a comeback story not many people believed in. Plus, no one on the Broncos would yell at the camera in a post-game interview, frightening small children and instantly turning people into Denver fans." — Jenna Mullins, actual Denver Broncos fan and E! Loves editor.
"Here is a list of reasons to be a Seahawks fan: They have the loudest stadium. They have the best fans. Pete Carroll is the coach. They have an amazing defense. Richard Sherman. Richard Sherman. Did I mention Richard Sherman? And they have never won a Super Bowl before, so this is their year." — Alyssa Toomey, actual Seattle Seahawks fan and E! Online writer/reporter.
So...who are you rooting for?