You might think that the only question you have about Justin Bieber's arrest is: "Why did it take so long?" But you'd be wrong, because there are many other questions we have regarding Justin's DUI arrest and the events leading up to and following his stint in a jail cell.
We have so many things to ask about his posse of friends, his actual height and his delusional fans who think he did nothing wrong. And damn it, we need answers! Here are the 14 burning questions we have about Justin Bieber:
1. How did Bieber spend his eight hours in jail? Besides dealing with a hangover?
2. Does anyone in Justin's entourage have a normal name? Lil Za, Khalil, Lil Twist, Big Skittle, Purple Skeez, White Lightning, Teddy Ruxpin, Rainbow Brite, Jem and the Holograms, Madballs…some of those names might actually be made up (or toys from the '80s).
3. Was it just us, or was Justin Bieber making a Zoolander Blue Steel face during his bail hearing?
4. Isn't it illegal to lie about your height? Because there is no way Justin is 5'9''! Or does he subscribe to the Dr. Mindy Lahiri school of thought that any info on an ID "should be aspirational"? You might get past 5'7'' yet, Justin!
5. According to his Twitter bio, Justin Bieber's dad calls himself Lord Rauhl...We have so many questions about that, and we don't even know where to start. But mostly: Why?
6. How did that radio station make those Free Bieber signs so quickly? Actually, we bet they had them made the very second Justin got to Miami.
7. Why so happy and clearly pleased with himself in one mug shot and then very "sad panda" in the next? Is it because he knows he can't put the world under the spell of his piercing gaze when he's facing sideways?
8. How long after the news broke did it take people to Photoshop Justin Bieber's face on the Orange Is the New Black poster? 10 seconds or 20 seconds?
9. Are these Bieber fans who believe it's all a misunderstanding actually serious or is it all just a really involved practical joke cooked up by the Internet?
10. Why isn't anyone on his team saying stuff like: "Hey, maybe don't drink and drive?" Or: "Hey Justin. Maybe you shouldn't drag race after smoking pot and partying at a club?" Or: "Hey, bro. I really think you should look inside yourself, take stock of your life and stop doing these ridiculously asinine things?"
11. Are Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus the same person? Discuss.
Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus are the same person... pic.twitter.com/VqE8048TMk? Petey Plastic (@PeteyPlastic) January 23, 2014
12. Where were the parents of the kids who were waiting outside the jail for Justin to be released? Aren't they supposed to be in school? Or how about the kids who were out at 4:30 in the morning watching Justin get arrested? Go home and go to bed!
13. When he got on top of the car after being released, was Justin greeting fans? Mocking the paparazzi? Or simply waving goodbye to his career?
14. When will Justin just stop? Because enough. Unsubscribe.