Everyone, we have a new national hero.
On Tuesday, a man who was snowed in at his house in Baltimore did one of the few activities that come with a snow day: he drank. And like most drunk people, he needed Taco Bell very urgently. Seriously, there is no bigger desire than the need for terribly delicious food after hours of drinking.
So anyway, this guy was drunk and obviously wasn't going to drive, which was the responsible thing to do. So, he's too drunk to drive, he's snowed in and he needs Taco Bell now. What do you do? Post an ad to Craiglist begging for help, obviously.
Here is the post he wrote:
"Guys it's snowing like a bitch outside, I've had a few drinks too many, and my sh--ty little hybrid douchemobile can't possibly make it to the neighborhood Taco Bell in this weather. I need someone with a 4 wheel drive vehicle to come pick my drunk ass up, take me to the Taco Bell drive-thru, and drive me back home. Then we can hang out and play video games if you're not a rapist. This is maybe 2 miles round trip. I'll pay in tacos. or chalupas. whatever. Seriously my desire for tacos right now is totally unmanageable, so I'd probably even buy you a 7 layer burrito if you asked nicely."
A seven-layer burrito?! That's basically being paid in gold. But better.
Here is where the story gets very sad. Apparently no one answered his cry for help! What's the point of Craigslist if you can't get someone to pick your "drunk ass up" to take you to Taco Bell?! What's the point of anything?!
The post went so viral that it ended up on the front page of Reddit, where the original Craigslist poster revealed that he eventually "ended up taking myself after a bit of sobering up."
And because we're all wondering: When he finally got to the Bell he ordered: "a nacho loco taco, a crunchy taco, a soft taco, a chalupa, and some cinnabon bites that tasted like straight up a—holes."
For further description of the Cinnabon bites that are just a bit too graphic to post here, you can check out his Reddit post.
We'll let Parks and Recreation's Ron Swanson describe our feelings toward this situation: