By now you've seen the teaser for the Super Bowl commercial that will reunite Full House's John Stamos, Bob Saget and Dave Coulier. It's a glorious 30 seconds where the men still live together, though we don't blame them because that kitchen is biiitchin'!
So we know we're getting a full-length reunion of some kind come Super Bowl Sunday, and we don't think we're overselling it when we say that this commercial will be the biggest thing to happen to the entertainment world since color came to the big screen.
But we have some requests—nay, demands. This is the stuff that better happened during the Full House reunion commercial:
Woody the Woodchuck better make an appearance. Who else is going to ask if something is made of wood? And now that we're adults with the mind of a 10-year-old instead of just simply a 10-year-old, that phrase is begging to be turned into a sex joke.
We know the men will be there, but what about the ladiesss? We know that the likes of Ashley Olsen, Candace Cameron Bure and Lori Loughlin are more than happy to show up and support their former costars. So both the Olsen twins have to show up and drop some catch phrases, right?
Will the Full House cast be dressed up in the finest '80s and/or '90s wear? Denim on denim on denim, y'all!
Let's just hit everyone in the heart groin of nostalgia by having John Stamos perform an acoustic rendition of the opening theme song. Who wouldn't get all emotional hearing that? Communists, that's who.
If Lori shows up and kisses John and he doesn't say "have mercy," we'll be setting our TV sets on fire before throwing it out a window.
But who really cares what we think? According to most Internet commenters, not one single person. Except for maybe our mom. Hi, mom! So now let's turn things over to Brit, our good friend and Full House expert. Because when we started thinking about what we really and truly needed from a Full House reunion, we knew that only she, the one who has seen every episode multiple times and owns the complete box set, would give us the only list that matters. These are all the questions Brit needs answered by a 60-second (hopefully 90-second) commercial:
Brit's Burning Questions:
"Are Danny and Becky still hosting Wake Up San Francisco?"
"Where is Comet the dog? But for real, I just read about what happened to him and 2014 is ruined."
"Did DJ and Steve get married? Does Steve continue to eat all of the food at the Tanner house?"
"Is the Smash Club still open?"
"Is Aunt Beck still a MILF? Answer: yes!"
"Do The Rippers let Jesse back into the band?"
"Can Rush Hour Renegades please have one more show?!"
"Are Steph and Gia more than best friends now? Because, honestly…"
"Whatever happened to the Mr. Egghead Show? Damn it, Jesse!"
"Are DJ and Kimmy still BFFs?"
"Do the Tanners still live at 1882 Girard Street?"
"Is Michelle still pissed off that she wasn't cast as Yankee Doodle in America the Beautiful?"
"Is Aaron Bailey still bossy?"
"Does Danny still drive Walter the red convertible?"
"Is Kimmy still working at the Smash Club as a waitress?"
"Does Michelle still have her stuffed pig? … Oh, hell. I forgot Michelle gave her pig to Teddy when he moved away."
"If I call 555-2424 will someone pick up and say 'Tanner Residence?' Hopes and dreams crushed, if not."
Lots of fair questions by Brit the Full House connoisseur. And there you have it: Everything that needs to happen during this Full House reunion. It's a lot to get through, we know. But we believe in the Tanner family! Now we're all adequately prepared and set up for disappointment come Super Bowl Sunday.