With all the excitement of Zero Dark Bieber yesterday—during which the LAPD raided Justin Bieber's compound as part of their ongoing War on Eggs—we didn't have adequate time to discuss the recent tattoos the Biebs added to the temple that is his body.
Three days ago, Justin instagrammed his newest tattoo—a compass on his upper arm—with the caption, "New tat." The next day he Instagrammed another "new tat" (though he did not say as much). So many tats for such a little guy!
And so we ranked them, from our least favorite to the ones we're fine with, we guess:
22. This Portrait of Jesus: Justin Bieber's worst tattoo. Not because it's a giant shaded face of a regilious figure on the back of his calf (that's most bad tattoos), but because, as far as pictures of J.C. go, this one isn't even that flattering. Kinda looks like Jesus is soooo over it.
21. This Crucified Earth: It's hard to find a clear photo of this tattoo (you can find some though, if you Google it), but it's basically the globe, wearing a crown of thorns and bleeding, strung up on a cross. It's ugly, for one. And ugh-worthy, for another. It's about the least subtle metaphor ever, so just calm down, Biebs.
20. This Jester: Paired with the word "LOVE." Mostly because we don't get it. Does Bieber think he's a joker? Does he think he's funny? Does he just loooove medieval jesters? Is he a historian? Does he take inspiration from jesters, in terms of causing mischief*? (*Mischief, in this case is causing $20,000 worth of damage to a neighbor's home. LOL, gotcha!)
19. This Hebrew Text: It says "Yeshua," which is "Jesus" in Hebrew, on his ribs. Aesthetically, it's fine. It's actually pretty cool looking. But he got it with his dad—they got matching tats—and since when is that cool?
18. This Seagull: A small outline of a bird located on Justin's hip. We're giving this bird outline (apparently inspired by Richard Bach's fable Jonathan Livingston Seagull and also matching a tattoo his dad has) a break because it was Justin's first tattoo when he was 16. We all make mistakes.
17. This Music Note: As seen on every 18-year-old girl in the early 2000s.
16. This Japanese Symbol: As far as first tattoos go, a Japanese symbol is pretty par for the course. This one apparently means "music" (or so Justin thinks and so we are told! We can't read Kanji symbols!). It's small though, and has good placement.
15. This Chief: The ink work is good. And the sentiment behind it (it's the logo for Canada's Stratford Cullitons hockey team, formerly the Stratford Braves, and Justin's grandpa used to bring him to Cullitons' games) is nice. It's also pretty racist.
14. These Praying Hands: They're better than the Jesus portrait. And easier to hide.
13. "Believe" Text: This is the most logical of all Bieber's tattoo choices. He has an album and a movie called Believe. His whole shtick with his Beliebers is beliebing. Why he chose this cartoonish font and half shading, that is the illogical part.
12. This Compass: It's shaded well and hopefully will guide Justin to some better life choices.
11. This Eyeball: The detail work is truly impressive. And it's creepy. We like creepy stuff.
10. This Eagle: As far as bird tattoos go, it's a huge improvement from the seagull. The placement (wrapping around his shoulder) is cool and the design is simple enough. No complaints on this one.
9. This Owl: We like this one because it vaguely, kind of looks like the Tootsie Pop owl. And it makes us smile thinking about Justin Bieber would get a tattoo of the Tootsie Pop owl.
8. This Knight and This Castle: Bieber's medieval streak continues (and will continue, spoiler alert for No. 2)! Maybe this kid is a history buff! We're sure there's some deep, inspirational meaning behind this knight, but we just think he's cool to look at.
7. This "X": It's simple. It's original. It's a Jesus tattoo (χ was used as shorthand for "Jesus" in ancient Christian art) without beating us over the head that it's a Jesus tattoo.
6. This Angel: Who may be Selena Gomez. And if it is Selena Gomez, Bieber appears to have taken some creative liberties with her uh, décolletage. If it's not Selena Gomez, we've never seen an angel with this big of boobs.
5. This Rose: It's a rose tattoo. It's fine.
4. These Roman Numerals: Every celebrity has a tattoo of Roman numerals (Rihanna, Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, everyone). We're just glad this trend replaces the finger mustaches (so stupid). This one is a tribute to Bieber's mom (she was born in 1975, and this is trying to say "1-9-7-5." The correct Roman numerals would be MCMLXXV, but whatever, it could be worse. See no. 22-5).
3. This Koi Fish: You really can't go wrong with a koi fish.
2. This Crown: Why would anyone get a crown tattoo unless he thought of himself as some sort of king? You wouldn't. But if you can get past the narcissism of it all (KING OF WHAT, BIEBER?), it's a simple, nice crown. And we can get down with that.
1. This Tiger: We actually do like this one.
There you have it. All of Bieber's tattoos, ranked from worst to less worse.