Well this just ruined our day. But congratulations, Molly Schuyler?
The competitive eater and mother of four from Minnesota completely obliterated the world record for Fastest Eating of a 72-Ounce Steak. The previous record was set by Peter "Furious Pete" Czerwinski (6 minutes and 48 seconds), but Molly finished in 2 minutes and 44 seconds.
How a human being who weighs only 120 pounds could do that is a mystery—except it's not, because you can watch the entire disgusting, glorious, horrific, impressive, erotic (what? we like food...) event in the video above.
Just don't plan on wanting to eat lunch afterward.
The record-breaking steak massacre took place at Sayler's Old Country Kitchen in Portland, Ore., and was record by Big Eater's Club. It was also part of the restaurant's own challenge, to finish the steak and sides in under an hour (i.e., she had 56 minutes to knock back a side salad and a dinner roll or something).
FYI: She successfully completed that too.
"[It's] an unexplained phenomenon; I was just born that way," Molly told KPTV. "I started doing this about a year ago, and I guess it's like a stupid human trick."
And when this video ends, there's a link to keep watching Molly eat—this time it's a 7-pound burrito in under 3 minutes! Because maybe you don't ever want to eat Mexican food again! Or you can watch this monstrosity: Molly eating a 16-inch pizza with one arm behind her back in under 2 minutes.
Because apparently that's a real Guinness World Record too. Why not?