You don't know what you've got till it's (maybe) gone. Bye, Velveeta! We'll miss you, bbgirl!
Kraft Foods spokesperson Jody Moore said in a statement, "It is possible consumers in any part of the country may not be able to find some Velveeta products," This is not a drill. This is real life, people: The Velveeta is gone (maybe).
Moore explained that (possible) shortages like this "happen from time to time" because of the "nature of manufacturing." She describes it is a "short-term situation." Or is it? With so much uncertainty around the issue, one has to wonder:
IS THE CHEESEPOCALYPSE UPON US?!
In a situation like this, we have no choice but to turn to our faith. These are the 7 Seals of the Biblical Apocalypse. Adapted for the Cheesepocalyse, because, yeah, sure, that will work:
The First Sign: False Prophets
"I looked, and there before me was a basic cheddar! It was yellow and cheesey but did not come in the shape of a brick, yet it sat on the shelf as a conqueror bent on conquest." (Reveleeta 6:1)
Get out of here, basic cheddar! Or whatever! There is no substitute for Velveeta. Don't bother!
The Second Sign: War
"Then they realized there was one block of Velveeta left. It was given power to take peace from the shoppers and to make men (and women!) slay each other. Whoever got this would be able to make Chili Con Queso Dip." (Reveleeta 6:3-4)
People, why are you still reading this?! Go to the store and find Velveeta while you still can!
The Third Sign: Famine
"And lo a Black Market arose and I heard a voice say, "A brick of Velveeta for a day's wages!" (Reveleeta 6:5)
Well, no one will die without Velveeta. But do you think there will be a Velveeta Black Market?
The Fourth Sign: Death
"I looked, and there before me was a table lacking Velveeta dip! It was Death. It was given the power over the Super Bowl party to kill when someone yelled, ‘YOU DON'T HAVE ANY DAMN 5-LAYER TACO DIP MADE WITH REAL VELVEETA AT THIS PARTY?!'" (Reveleeta 6:7-8)
Is a Super Bowl party without a Velveeta dish really a Super Bowl party at all?
Bitch, don't kill my vibe.
The Fifth Sign: ???
Something bad happened here with death and destruction and mayhem blah blah blah, we didn't really understand it. SOMETHING BAD LIKE THE WORLD RUNNING OUT OF VELVEETA.
The Sixth Sign: Earthquakes
"There was a great Earthquake." (Reveleeta 6:13)
This could be a number of things:
1. The Earth opening up and consuming itself, because what's the point without Velveeta?
2. The rioting that will break out when people cannot eat VELVEETA® Cheeseburger Pizza.
3. A large person (someone who has eaten too much Velveeta? It's not that great for you, guys) endlessly running to find a loaf of Velveeta, finding nothing but continuing on that hopeless quest.
The Seventh Sign: The Cheesepocalypse
"There was silence in heaven for about half an hour. And I saw the Super Bowl party people stand before the snacks, and to them were given French Onion Dip." (Reveleeta 8:1-2)
OK, maybe we overreacted about the Velveeta shortage. French Onion Dip is delicious!