OK, you spent enough time with your family. Time to get out of the house so you can shop the after-Christmas sales. You've earned it after hearing all about great Aunt Ruth's "sexually liberating" vacation to Cabo.
Now that Christmas is almost officially, stores have loads of merchandise they need to get off their hands and shelves, and the sale prices are bananas. But you probably need to a guide to shopping the after-Christmas sales. Why would you go to Google to get tips when you can come here? Here's our official guide to getting the best deals when you hit up Best Buy, Sears, Macy's and whatnot and what have you:
1. Do your research
Get on your fancy Internet box and make sure you research whatever item you're looking for. If you go out there without any idea on how much a Kindle Fire is going for at different stores, you'll end up spending more than you need. Sometimes the difference is only 10 bucks, but hey, that's enough for a trip to the food court for some Panda Express. You can't put a price on that. Oh, we just said it was 10 bucks. Never mind.
If you listened to our first tip, then you can probably haggle with employees over price. You want this Wii U at Best Buy, but you know it's cheaper at Target. Unfortunately, that means walking all the way across the mall to Target, through the crowds of (ugh) youths texting "LOL OMG" on their cellular telephones and past parents who are already shopping for next year's Christmas. Be firm, be confident and tell the employee you know this thing is cheaper somewhere else, and more often than not they'll knock the price down. Especially if you show them the ad that proves it's cheaper elsewhere. But it's 2014 so you can also pull that ad up on your phone. And if they give you a hard time, walk away.
3. Just accept and brave the crowds
We're not going to sugarcoat it, people are still awful after Christmas. So either just accept it and stay patient and calm, or go into the mall with so much hate in your heart and rage on your face that people literally dive to get out of your way. If all else fails, there's always Xanax.
4. Remember, one man's trash...
Some people will wake up to find that Santa got them a Kindle Fire and not the iPad they asked for. Damnit, Santa! You are the actual worst! But bad news for them means good news for you (if you're looking for a Kindle Fire). People are returning gifts left and right, which means reduced prices for you. Especially if the box was opened and/or electronics were booted up. Look past the box that's been taped back together and check out that low, low price!
5. Look for Christmas items
This is the best time to buy Christmas decorations, because stores need to clear their shelves and make way for Valentine's Day supplies. But think outside the box, because decorations aren't the only thing with a Christmas theme. Certain groceries, clothing and toys are now on sale because they have holiday-esque labels. Don't worry about those cans of Pringles that look like Santa. The food isn't expired, just the packaging. So stop at a drug store or your local grocery store and check out what's on sale now that Christmas is said and done. But the best part about shopping for groceries after the holidays? Say it with us: "discounted Christmas candy." We'll be eating Reese's Christmas Trees for days and we couldn't be happier about it. Or our other personal favorite: reduced-priced holiday flavored coffee creamers. We'll take 19 of the Peppermint Mochas, thanks so much.
Be safe out there, kids. Hell hath not fury like someone who gets in between them and that dehumidifier that's on sale. And may the odds be ever in your favor.
(Originally published on Thu., Dec. 26, 2013 at 10:22 AM PST)