Married With New Kids

Becky's two-week turn as queen bee of the A.T. comes to a close, and she sure hopes she's done a better job keeping up with every celeb's T-town antics than Jena Malone did dressing herself. Plus, a couple of familiar faces come back on the pop scene with some fresh moves and new clothes—damn, we thought baggy jeans and high-tops were more deserving of a comeback than the New Kids were. Also, one Simpson sister splits up, while the other settles down, but we're just glad we don't have to listen to either of them sing.

Move over Posh and the rest of the spice rack—the New Kids on the Block are the hottest pop group hoping to go from has-beens to are-nows. We got psyched up on a heavy cocktail of nostalgia and curiosity and hopped over to the House of Blues to check out the dudes’ dress rehearsal for their Today Show performance. No better way to spend a Tuesday night than blasting to the past with some outdated tuneage, n’est-ce pas?  

Outside Sunset Boulevard’s HOB, the lines were down the block, every heart-pounding fan clamoring to get in first and snag a choice spot, perf for catching some sweet singer sweat, fer sure. There were absolutely no cell phones or cameras allowed in the house, which resulted in tons of disappointed Industry types boo-hooing about not having their BlackBerries by their side. Heaven forbid a member of the entertainment press loses contact with the outside world for a half hour.

The boy-band bonanza began with video interviews and some behind-the-scenes footage of the guys goofing off in the studio. Joey McIntyre brought out his best “Leave Britney Alone!” impresh, tear ducts and all, proving just how serious a thespian the stud’s become in the last decade or so. The curtain dramatically lifted and the New Men on the Block walked out, lookin’ all sorts of stylish in sleek gray suits and classy black ties, handsomely dressed as though they were taking every lady in the place to the prom. They performed a medley of their greatest hits, including “Step by Step,” “Hangin’ Tough” and “The Right Stuff,” tho you could hardly hear a harmony or melody over the screams coming from gals in their late 20s, early 30s. How much ya wanna bet some of those women still sleep with NKOTB bedsheets?

These five fine guys can still shake it, kickin’ it with some old-school signature choreography. The only one who seemed to struggle with the steps was “the sensitive one," Jonathan Knight, who was lookin’ at the other fellas’ feet to remember the moves. Eh, can you blame him? J.K.’s the only New Kid without delusions of grandeur hoping to score a solo career, having opted to go into real estate once the group disbanded. Welcome back to the incredibly critical world of entertainment, Jonny boy!

The “bad boy” of the boy band, Donnie Wahlberg, reached into the crowd and took a note from an admirer in the front. “Donnie, ignore the wedding ring on my finger,” Wahl-babe read aloud. “My husband is OK with it. You’re my freebie!”

“I’m trying to get my wife to agree to something like that,” added Joey Mac. That’s a note we would scribble instead to Don’s brother, Marky Mark, who goes by “serious actor name” Mark Wahlberg nowadays. His funky bunch only got finer with age.

The gang sang two more songs, including their new single “Summertime,” which we sure wish we could make fun of, but we can’t deny the catchy tune as hard as we try. As evidenced by our bleeding eardrums, the crowd was just as enthralled by the quintet as they were back in 1991. Think 'N Sync will have the same reaction in, let's say, 10 years time? Justin Timberlake might have to be conference called in, ‘cause we bet in a decade the dude will be too busy swimming in his millions and selling out stadiums all by his lonesome to go back to his boy-band days. ‘Course, they could just throw a curly haired wig on Backstreet Boys’ Nick Carter and call it a day.

We’ve gone delirious with I-do’s these past two weeks—Teddy C. musta poured something in our morning mug o' joe before departing for his vacay full of wedded bliss. Good thing Casa-babe’s back on Monday, ‘cause the AT lovefest is fizzling down. Maybe we’re just sour we didn’t score an invite to the supposed supersecret Simpson-Wentz wedding this weekend, which our source says is fer sure happening down at Papa Joe's Encino pad. (No better place to create your cherished memories than the Valley, right?) We figured Chicago-native Pete would want his wedding in Chi-town, but I guess having a "shotgun" on your back can convince ya otherwise. But seriously. can we have Tony Romo’s invite? Word is that he and Jessy-kins are kaput, and ain’t no way gal’s gonna show up without a plus one. Too bad Mr. Mayer’s prolly gonna be flying south to catch a tan...and an Aniston. Johnny'd better be wary of some late-night drunk texting from his supposedly newly single ex.

Ashlee and Pete don’t make a lick of sense together in my brain, but they’re practically M.F.E.O. (that’s “Made for Each Other,” to all you who have sadly never seen Sleepless in Seattle) compared to the still-going-strong-one-week-in Mariah and Nick. Who’s the next iconic pop star to mix and match up in matrimony with a tween dreamboat? George Michael and Amanda Bynes? Stevie Wonder and Miley Cyrus? The Supremes and the Jonas Brothers? The possibilities are endless (and nauseating).

Still, these couples do seem all sorts of sappy and happy together, and it can’t be an act ‘cause we’ve seen Mimi’s acting chops—babe can’t line read to save her life. Maybe a changed M.C. learned some stuff from her Mottola marriage and is playing for keeps this time around. And if we learned anything from our favorite newbie newlyweds, Ted and Jon, it’s that even the bitchiest of hearts can be tamed. You just need to get one great guy or gal to take it on.

Thanks for stickin’ around these past two weeks on my watch...Ted’s gonna take a head count to make sure you’re all still here. Hopefully my woman’s-eye view on all T-town happenings and celeb droppings gave ya some chuckles or a fresh-faced femme perspective on pop culture. Have a great weekend, I’m gonna go straighten my hair, slap on some heavy eye makeup and crash the most emo wedding in town!