Ticked Off and Tickled Pink

Bet you thought the Awful Truth was gonna go soft while Ted was away on his love vacay—think again! Becky might be a proper lady, but she uses both X chromosomes as ninja stars to attack T-town's posh 'n' pretty celebs, and her manicured claws come out in full force for Monday's Pissed List. Young females are def the most devious creatures, just look at Lauren Conrad & Co., or better yet, don't, and they might disappear.

Hey there, guys and gals (and hi, Mom!) reading the Awful Truth on this fine Monday morn, this is T.C.’s second in command, Becky Bain, reporting all the dirt in T-town while Ted’s in Hawaii being in love with his as-of-this-weekend hubby, Jon. Now, I’ve been to Hawaii, and I’ve been in love, but I’ve never been both at the same time—and they get to enjoy both perks, the jerks! You know you’re never allowed to have it all, and if you do, you keep it a secret, so the rest of us don’t realize that total happiness is realistically achievable. Am I right? Or have I just become completely cantankerous since working at AT HQ?

Awww, I’m not the most bitter Bex in the box—congrats to the cute couple! To celebrate Ted’s fortnight o' love, and possibly to smack some sweetness into my sour soul, I planned on doing an anti-Pissed List this week of all the things I cherish in H'wood. The best I could come up with is squealing with delight over elfin-size comedy goddess Amy Poehler’s pregnancy—kid’s destined to have every bone in his or her bod be a funny one. Then I remembered her husband and baby daddy is the equally hilarious Will Arnett, who wormed his way into my heart playing GOB on Arrested Development. I have a thing for despicably suave guys, like Vince Vaughn in Swingers (and most likely in real life, too), so all of my feelings of joy for the talented twosome immediately turned into green-eyed envy. So there went that.

Back to what I’m good at: accurately judging people! Which is why I work here, and not for American Idol...but more on that tomorrow!

Blown Cover:  The girls from The Hills were on the cover of Rolling Stone, which was 10 times more inappropriate than those back-tastic and tactless Miley Vanity Fair pics. Since when did RS become the magazine equivalent to MTV, forgoing actual musicians in favor of reality-show slop? Those four bobble heads have absolutely zilch to do with music, and yes, I know Heidi Montag made a music video. Well, so did I. At the state fair. I got to jump around with a pink blow-up guitar in front of a green screen, for 20 bucks, which was a bigger budget than Heidi and Spencer had when they filmed “Higher.” Where’s my Rolling Stone cover?

The Little Merman:  David Blaine went on Oprah and set a world record by holding his breath underwater for 17 minutes. I didn’t know horribly dangerous and idiotic acts qualify as “magic.” I happen to be a lover of the dark arts—the Magic Castle mansion in H'wood is prolly one of my fave hangout joints in all of Hell-Ay (which also might explain my fondness for illusionist GOB). D.B. is doing all the stupid, unsafe stuff every kid in America does to get the attention of their classmates. If holding your breath underwater is considered “magic,” then I guess stuffing crayons up my nose when I was five makes me David effing Copperfield.

Nein to Nine:  The only thing I love more than film adaptations of musicals (I spend more time listening to Broadway soundtracks than Nathan Lane and Harvey Fierstein combined) are hot actors with foreign accents. Which makes me especially disheartened that Javier Bardem is leaving the cast of the upcoming movie musical Nine. He’s reportedly exhausted from working so hard over the past year...I’d be tired, too, if I'd spent the last 12 months winning Oscars and having sex with Penélope Cruz. That’s one less movie with Javie B in it, which is reason alone to be pissed off.

Spare the Rodman:  Dennis R got arrested for allegedly beating up his girlfriend, and now he’s checking into rehab since his drinking has reportedly gotten out of control. Of course I’m mad as hell when I hear about disgustingly violent acts occurring, but I’m pissed when celebs use rehab as damage control for being a-holes or idiots. The minute Lindsay Lohan was caught with cocaine in her not-her-pants, her reps shipped her off to rehab like they’re sending her to her room with no TV. And do you think rehab was a personal choice for Isaiah Washington, or a way to take back his aggressive acts? Like a Prada purse on sale for $600, I’m not buying it.

Wow, I never knew despising so many things could take so much out of me! I need a cookie and a Screwdriver sans vodka to replenish my energy. Check back tomorrow when I take on even more in Hell-Ay’s underbelly...which totally has a baby bump, even though it keeps giving vague answers as to whether it’s knocked up or not.