Growl Control

While Paris may be dubiously looking after doggies in a new reality show, we've got the real B-lister for the job! Plus, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have moved on in very different ways, darlings, and what's Brandon Routh up to? Bored with marriage already?

We aren't exactly sure why P. Hilton continues to be cast in flicks of fiction when reality television really suits the gal’s strengths, i.e. playing her booby self. ‘Course, the rumor is the boyish flirt’s going to star in a canine-centered show called Paris’ Pooches for U.K. television. Is that the only country left that’s interested in this bitch? (Read on, by the by, for the celeb we think should start up a new doggie—and we don’t mean style—career.)

Show supposedly involves Princess P managing a dog-grooming center. Who are we kidding? The thing will be Par-poo-centered and a pup will be thrown in every few minutes to cleanse your palate from too much human slobber, as opposed to the animal variety. What we wanna know is, are they gonna get a canine to be her best friend this time? That’s the only way Paris is going to have someone voluntarily follow her around, besides Benji, of course. (Who knew the Madden bros. had such a big thing for spoiled socialites?) Than again, dog is man’s best friend, not amateur-porn-star-who-resembles-a-man’s best amigo.

The consistently hilarious Michael K of celeb-skewering Dlisted (a site snarkier than we are, if ya can believe it) seems to wonder if Paris and Slurpa Pop-Off, from our infamous "One in the Closet Blind Vice," are the very same person. Thanks for the mention, Mikey, but what makes ya think it’s Paris? Got some Bel-Air skank you wanna fill us in on? We’re all perked ears!

Nick Lachey, in uniform, blue B-ball cap and wide-open lumberjack-type do-me plaid shirt, carrying—no, not Vanessa, surprise, surprise—but...his redheaded pet Yorkie out of the Sherman Oaks Animal Hospital. You should see how this guy frets over the four-legged love. You can tell he means it. No Paris or Britney or Jerry O’Connell apparent strut for strut’s sake going on here. Why not give this B-lister a damn animal reality show, already? He could be the humane copper with nice tits and an even nicer love for hairy things. Why not have Nicky make surprise calls on supposedly errant famous folks, just to see how they’re locking their pets in closets or using them as designer clutches? But back to Valley biz: N-hon seemed awfully worried about the cute critter, but I fear the vet staff was far more concerned with cooing over the hunky star than they were with his little companion. Blonder, but just as hairy elsewhere was N’s ol’ best friend...

Jessica Simpson and her current b-f babe, Tony Romo, spending some quality couple time together at Vue Lounge in Augusta, Ga. The blondie and her football beau strutted their sex on the dance floor, without a care for all the club's envious onlookers. J.S. and T.R. tore up the town, having fun at a few house parties in the area as well. Jess’ Romo-ance is lasting longer than we ever imagined. Is it true love—or true jealousy over li'l sis Ashlee's engagement (and possible spawning) that’s convinced her to stay where she is? Another twosome up to their same old stupid pet tricks was...

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, InWhySee, getting their supper on at the Kobe Club. S and H’s dinner pals for the night included a smorgasbord of demicelebs—singer Natasha Bedingfield, Epic Records Prez Charlie Walk and DJ Cassidy, the man who provided the tunes for Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s antiwedding. Let’s hope Spence and Heidi never get hitched and hire DJ Cass. It’d be a major downgrade on his resume. The on-and-off duo dined on lobster and crab cakes and shared a plate of greens called a Lauren’s Salad, which sent the two into hysterics. These two would be entertained by dangling saliva in front of their faces we bet.

We sorta hightailed it over to the premiere of Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay at H'wood's ArcLight Theatres, the screening place for those in Tinseltown who are happy to be overcharged in lieu of being annoyed by teenagers throwing popcorn and disrupting the flick. Pretty funny, doncha think, that the pothead pic du jour had its premiere at the posh place?

“This isn’t a very serious movie about Guantanamo Bay...It’s not like we talked to a bunch of New York Times editors,” said cowriter and director Hayden Schlossberg. “We just recently learned how to pronounce Guantanamo,” added John Hurwitz, the other half of the H&K-creating team. Damn, so this isn’t a shot-by-shot remake of that scene from Michael Moore's Sicko? Coulda fooled us.

So how’d they, let’s just say, “research” all the stoner silliness in their flick? “We did a lot of PCP,” said Hay-babe. He sounds like he’s joking, but we wouldn’t be surprised...“Harold and Kumar represent our group of friends. This is what the guys we hang out with are like.” Well, they say write what you know, right?

So of course the question of the evening: Should pot be legalized? “Of course, absolutely. Duh.” Well said, fellas. Everyone else at the premiere pretty much agreed with you:

“Absolutely, one hundred percent,” said comedian and costar Rob Corddry. “I don’t even smoke it. I get too scared.” Of getting caught or of picking up a case of paranoia?

Another funnyman who doesn’t need grass to get the giggles is The Office's Ed Helms. “I don’t necessarily support the smoking of it. I haven’t smoked pot in 10 years, which makes me a huge nerd, I know, but I think the war on drugs is a joke—an enormous waste of resources, and it’s inflated the prison population to absurd levels.” Even those who don’t get relaxed off a reefer are still giving the thumbs-up to it being used for more than medicinal purposes. Ya listening up Obama and Clinton camps? Here’s an issue important to the people. And the people’s dealers.

Just remember, this is the funny stuff we’re talkin’ about, not the horrendous crap that ultimately killed Heath.

We half expected to see dread-headed Jason Castro and his goofy grin at the Harold and Kumar premiere, but instead we got more surprising celebs. (Guess it’s impossible to sneak away from his Idol captives.) Superman Returns' Brandon Routh showed his pretty mug at the stoner screening for god knows what reason—that new marriage of his must be just so scintillating. The mucho good-lookin’ guy, sporting a baby blue sweater and a bunch of muscles underneath it, trust, quickly walked the red carpet, and tho he evaded interviewers, he couldn’t escape screaming fans too overjoyed to spot the celluloid hunk.

For all the nit-picking fanboys have made about the Bryan Singer-helmed hot mess, maybe producers should saddle up faster and make another Superman sequel, since this stud’s still got some strong supporters, it seems. Or, of course, the same screaming fans in question could have been stoned and were celebrating pretty much anything around them. Hey, that’s not a bad idea. At Singer’s Valkyrie premiere (if there is one), let’s get all the fans stoned! Of course, you’ll have to pay them to show up, too, but whatev.

Dear Ted:
I keep seeing Teri Hatcher on TV, and I'm looking hard for her "skinniness" to show, but she just doesn't look that bad. What am I missing?
  Patricia
  Frankton, Ind.

Dear Blind:
The hallows of her cheeks, which are about as deep as my contempt for Kate Bosworth's new nonfigure.