Split Sends

From hairy 'n' bothered biz with Jen Aniston and Demi Moore to who's keeping Nick Lachey warm and cuddly to you nasty, heathen readers! It's time for the Tuesday mailbag, not to mention other most frazzled sitches!

You know the hairdresser gab, don’t you? It’s always so...frazzled. Sally Hershberger, who feathered Meg Ryan and fancied up Jane Fonda (think the latter was more successful, frankly) ditched John Frieda for Chris McMillan, can’t say I blame her. After all, McMillan’s where all the hip chicks who want to be the new Rachel rock to. That’s right, C.M., the esteemed inventor of BFF Jen Aniston’s Friends locks, has ‘em lining up, all in hope that they, too, can seduce somebody like Brad Pitt (for however long), with just a flip o’ their ironed coiffures. Latest is Demi Moore who, last I checked, had already snagged a stud—go with me here—with her ramrod-straight 'do. Maybe she’s just heading to McMillan to make sure she keeps her man?

Or perhaps it’s because McMillan practically throws noncelebs out on the street whenever a celeb squawks for him, which is often. And keep in mind these plebeians have paid 600 friggin’ bucks a cut to be treated like French poodle poop. Jeez. Backstabbing to the peasants and brownnosing to the stars...Why the hell isn’t this a UCLA Extension course, already?

Michelle Williams is a regular at McMillan's. Chris is helping her move on. It’s what he does with his most famously lovelorn clients—so much better than a cold, unfeeling shrink don’t you think? And Hershberger got in on the act, too. She’s doing John Mayer, helping to spice up his post-Jess locks with a daring, fresh approach and some wet, gooey stuff (but not too much!), ‘cause that’s what John loves.

But who's aiding Nick Lachey move on from his nasty Jess break, which I still hear he's still not entirely over? (Just like Jessica, so strange, as ultimately, I think it was Joe Simpson who wanted them together the most.) No, not just Vanessa Minnillo. It's their Yorkie, which Nick trots around in his huge-ass black Beemer. Nick's the one who insists on taking their pooch to the doc and sundry healthy-canine activities, etc. Not so much Vanessa. And do you know this dude's shoulders are wider than Paris' bad-pooch rep, regardless of that new show she's doing in the U.K.? What's with the overly worked out life, babe? But back to the follicle minded:

Just thought you’d like to know: Jen (made up to the nines) and Demi (never, always fresh and little or no pancake stuff) are simply darling to the noncelebrated hair clients. Quite unlike Chris. What the ef’s up with that? Reminds me of flacks who are bitchy as Colin Farrell in the morning while their clients are simply peaches. So obvious, ultimately.

Dear Ted:
First, do you think it's true Britney was being drugged by someone? It looks like a lightbulb has gone on in her head, as though she just woke up! And second, I try not to point out any faults, but how can you criticize the press for comparing Jen Aniston with A. Jolie when you are the biggest culprit on that front? I have sometimes read your stuff on J. A. and thought, "Dang! Harsh!"
  Amy

Dear The Lore on Drugs:
Of course Brit-Brit was drugged by someone—herself. And about Aniston to Angie, look, Jennifer, who I actually admire very much on her own accord, started it with her seductress-wannabe photo shoot in Vanity Fair.

Dear Ted:
Re: Dirty Quandary Take Two: “Be Paris Hilton’s best friend or sworn enemy?” What's the diff?
  Donna
  Brandon, Manitoba, Canada

Dear Best Amigas for Never:
I think Lindsay Lohan's been both, simultaneously.

Dear Ted:
How much of an idiot are you? And why are you so incompetent?
  Ted
   New York City

Dear Wannabe:
Kiss my almost-married butt.

Dear Ted:
What's the deal with Brad Pitt stopping with his publicist? Will he not rest until he has completely morphed into Angelina Jolie? Soon we'll be hearing about an upcoming sex-change operation.
  Mandy
  Chattanooga, Tenn.

Dear Brandie Pitt:
Now that’s a pregnant man I’d like to see!

Dear Ted:
FYI: The "Skinny Bitch Diet" (of which there have been two books so far) boils down to promoting veganism as self-righteous anorexia. Totally horrifying.
  Laura
  Fairfax, Va.

Dear Deathly Diet:
I’m starving just thinking about it.

Dear Ted:
Just wanted to say how much I appreciate your response to Elizabeth from Atlanta regarding Diddy's casting of black models in his runway show. I respect Diddy's decision, and I think it's about time the modeling industry gave us more than crazy Tyra and rageaholic Naomi as the primary two examples of the racially diverse.
  Meredith
  Houston

Dear Cultural Catwalk:
You’re entirely welcome.

Dear Ted:
Got to ask…is Toothy Tile the obnoxious Spencer Pratt? Not that I think he, Heidi, Lauren and the group are actors by any means, but he and Heidi sure seem to be putting on an "act" with all the lovey-dovey fake photo moments. Seems like they have the perfect fake relationship. Also, what's up with Audrina? Every picture that girl takes has her eyes rolling up into her head...gross!
  Kathi
  Mundelein, Ill.

Dear Hills Headache:
There’s nothing we know (or care) less about than the intricacies of the epic melodrama that is The Hills, except, perhaps, what goes on—or not—in Hugh Hefner's boudoir. That said, one thing we know for certain is that Spencer is no Toothy, nor will he ever be.

Dear Ted:
A couple of weeks ago Kate Bosworth was on Jimmy Kimmel's show talking about how she had her hands in front of a see-through skirt she wore at a 21 screening and how she was worried everyone could see her "lady business." I thought Kate had class. Is she just another Hollywood skank who doesn't wear panties? How gross!
  Nina
  Newark, N.J.

Dear Blinded by the Slight:
You're looking to the wrong community for class, love.

Dear Ted:
Cayenne-pepper-and-maple-syrup smoothie...Please say you’re kidding? You people get waaay too much sun in California!
  Mary
  Michigan

Dear Ray Starved:
And not nearly enough calories, don't forget.

Dear Ted:
Is Chris Evans the Super Duper Cooper from One Special Scratch-'n'-Sniff Blind Vice?
  Kamila
  Natal, Brazil

Dear Chris in the Clear:
Nope, sorry. Think less hunk, in the fake H'wood sort of sense.

Dear Ted:
Rumer Willis dissing Miley? Uh, right. Let's see, Miley is talented, gorgeous, sweet, knows how to behave in public and has manners. Ms. Potato Head on the other hand is, famous in her own mind...Lemme think a moment...Dayum, can't think of another thing. Only reason she even rates a mention in a column is because of who her parents are; otherwise, she would join the other Z-listers in town.
  Nikki
  Columbus, Ohio

Dear Billy:
Calm down! Your daughter’s obviously the winner in this no-contest tug-of-war.

Dear Ted:
One Special Scratch-'n'-Sniff Blind Vice! You keep Hollywood interesting. Is the answer Derek Jeter? I have heard a similar story. Jeter is sneaky and tries hard to be labeled a playboy, dating only the hottest females making news at the time. Alyssa Milano calls him a serial celebrity dater.
  Chris
  Detroit

Dear Thanks for the Tip:
Ain't D.J., doll-cup, but sounds like you need to start up your own column!

Dear Ted:
Super Duper Cooper from One Special Scratch-N-Sniff Blind Vice is Tony Romo! Your clues were way too easy this time—Pete Wentz (dates Ashlee, Jessica's sis and Tony's new g-f), Chance Crawford (dated Carrie Underwood, like Tony) and Tom Brady (football). It's nice when I can actually figure it out—thanks (and gross).
  Susan
  Minneapolis, Minn.

Dear When in Romo:
Clever connections, too bad your instincts pointed you to the wrong guy. Keep thinkin’, you’re close.

Dear Ted:
I genuinely appreciate your honesty in your articles, I love your confidence. Anyway, I wanted to take a guess at Super Duper Cooper: Is it Orlando Bloom? I could kind of almost see an eccentric sexuality below his surface.
  Sara
  Calgary, Alberta, Canada

Dear No-rlando:
That’s just Bloom’s British background—backed up sexual behavior comes with the territory. Think this side of the pond scum.

Dear Ted:
I was wondering what advice you might have for aspiring celebrity reporters. I have seen enough of your work to realize you can't be making up this stuff. Have any tips for keeping a sharp eye and ear tuned to the glamorous life?
  Ceiko
  Albuquerque, N.M.

Dear Southwest Sweetie:
Move.

Dear Ted:
I know that you and George Clooney are friends, but I am curious about something: George seems like a nice guy, but what is it about him that gags you and lets him and his gal -pal have a pass.
  Molly

Dear Teri Hatcher:
Get over it, dear, he just wasn’t into you. Let it go.

Dear Ted:
Does Toothy's girlfriend know he's fond of boys, too?
  Marcia
  São Paulo, Brazil

Dear Naive:
Sim, my São Paulo peach. Just like the last one.