Close
BRAND NEW ON E!
  • News/ 

    Dangerous Divas!

    What was Jessica Simpson thinking? And, no, we're not talking about Jess taking on murderous Cowboys fans, just the more villainous New York editing world. Plus, it's bitchfest Tuesday, time for reader feedback. Are you armed?
    Jessica Simpson James Devaney/WireImage.com
    The real shocker coming outta New Yawk is so not Beyoncé and Jay-Z's wedding (it'll last one year, "max," say some o' B-babe's buds, no joke here), but that yet another T-town celeb is offering herself up for the PR-seeking editors of NY's more smarter rags. Jessica Simpson appears on the May cover of Esquire—donning her best Marilyn curls and testosterone-requiring shaving cream—striking a pose I thought I'd see coming from Thomas Beattie, the pregnant man, not a superstrutter like Simpson. The pic's a recreation of a 1965 cover featuring Italian actress Virna Lisi, proving that only wine stays relevant with age. Last time a blond bombshell (emphasis on the bomb, box-office wise) pulled a Norma Jean redux on a mag front (New York), the results worked wonders for sales, but the stunt only opened the starlet to more ridicule and scrutiny. Hey, at least Lindsay had the balls to be photographed in the buff—tho she forgot to wipe the years of wasted potential off her freckled face.
    John Mayer Perez/Fermin/INFphoto.com
    Ever since dating-and-dumping jokester John Mayer, Jessikins has been up to all sorts of wackiness, from embarrassing straight to DVD-hicles to cheerleading at b-f Tony Romo's home games to every Texan's distaste. (Tho I bet nobody would complain much if she sported a Borat-inspired Speedo on a cruise ship.) J.S. needs to put the kibosh on the kookiness and crappy flicks and wrestle up some respect from the ain't-buying-it masses. Step uno would be putting those decent pipes to use and making some new music. Step dos would be calling the Esquire editors to schedule a reshoot, sans shaving cream. Jess-poo, this stunt smells as bad as your bedroom in Rome did once you and John were done with it.
    Amy Winehouse Gary Lee/UPPA/ZUMA Press.com
    Dear Ted:
    Seriously, am I the only person in America who thinks Amy Winehouse is a dog? Ewww...woof!
      Tricia
      Fort Worth, Texas Dear Not Alone:
    Last I checked, A.W. wasn’t walking away a winner at any beauty pageants like she did at the Grammys. But if Wine-hon is a dog, she’s a shaggy li'l English bulldog we can’t help but love. And her coat’s simply perf. How’s your 'do, not to mention looks, Ms. ugly-ass rottweiler?
    Lindsay Lohan, Samantha Ronson John Sciulli/WireImage.com, Maury Phillips/WireImage.com
    Dear Ted:
    Here's my guess for Vicky Vamp Void of One New Nose About It Blind Vice: Lindsay Lohan. The young role model/actress...hanging out at Spider Club...and then the kicker, Humpy Harlow! I just saw pictures of Lindsay and Samantha Ronson, and it seemed to click. Am I right?
      Cathy
      Toronto, Ontario Dear Too Obvious:
    LiLo’s too blaring a choice—so obvious I bet even L2 had to think back and wonder, “Wait, was that me?” She ain’t our sniffy starlet, but right age.
    Natalie Portman Stephen Lovekin/WireImage
    Dear Ted:
    Can you please tell me why all of Young Hollywood smokes? Kirsten Dunst, Britney, Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, Leelee Sobieski, etc. Have they never seen Melanie Griffith?  Smoking ages you fast.
      Linda Dear Puff 'n' Stuff:
    Strange, never saw goody-two-shoes Natalie P puffin’ away, tho I can imagine they’d be classy French cigarettes or something just as snooty. And lighting up can wrinkle up your mug, but have you seen what it does to your lungs? Botox won't always fix that s--t, promise.
    Nicole Kidman James Devaney/WireImage
    Dear Ted:
    I remember when you used to adore Nicole K...did she diss you on the red carpet? And comparing Britney to Madonna? M is twice her age and hasn't suffered from mental illness. Plus, I doubt anyone is as tough as Madonna.
      Ros
      Melbourne, Australia Dear Wrong:
    Of course, there’s a broad in H'wood who’s as tough as Madonna, her name’s Nicole Kidman Cruise Urban Warfare. Babe’s the best—don’t ef with her, or her hideously inappropriate bod-guard, who’s the creep here, more so than Nic, whom I adore. Just think it’s disgusting how she’s attempting to skirt the damage her worker bee created. Dear Ted:
    I think  Snarla Sledgehammer from One Whipping Oy Blind Vice is Chelsea Handler. Am I right?

      Jennifer
      Orlando, Fla.

    Dear Brilliant:
    No, but you aren't too far off. Think less blond, just as bitchy!
    Tom Cruise, Magnolia New Line Cinema
    Dear Ted:
    It is great to see that at least someone hasn't forgotten the talent Tom Cruise has. He was totally robbed of his Oscar for Magnolia. I'm with you—he should stick to drama and get the gold already.  Tina
      Pleasanton, Calif. Dear Oscar Glory Hole:
    The Academy sure loves finally giving the gold over to someone who’s due, à la Marty Scorsese...but Cruise’s career is less and less consistent as it gets dragged out.
    Rupert Everett Jim spellman/WireImage.com
    Dear Ted:
    You mentioned the way to get an Oscar for men is to play gay. My question is, have there ever been any (out) gay actors to win an Academy Award for playing straight? P.S.: Love ya and all your fagola-speak!
      U. Jones
      New Brunswick, N.J. Dear Feted Fruits:
    Homos playing heteros? You bet. Uncloseted gays playing straight? Uh, other than Rupert Everett...
    Renee Zellweger Daniele Venturelli/WireImage.com
    Dear Ted:
    Love your column and have been reading it for a while now. Being somewhat isolated in mid-America, I am relying on your sharp perceptions and spot-on insights to keep me in the know.
      Shizuka
      Beaumont, Texas Dear Poor Thing:
    Thanks chunks, doll-hon, didn’t Renée Zellweger escape from some godforsaken spot near you? You can, too!
    Hayden Panettiere Steve Granitz/WireImage.com
    Dear Ted:
    It just occurred to me, after you wrote how Hayden P dates a 30-year-old and gawks at Angelina Jolie (but hell, who wouldn't), she could be Browhilda Frown-Free from One Backfire-for-Hire Blind Vice? Must be a reason you hinted that Brad Pitt should take note of that...?
      Wicked Witch
      Broomwill, East Dear Elphaba:
    Your sorcery is set on the wrong hottie, 'cause it ain’t this Heroes hon. Think older. Slightly wiser.
    Debra Messing James Devaney/WireImage.com
    Dear Ted:
    I've never guessed on your Blind Vices before, but these two seem so easy. Snarla Sledgehammer from One Whipping Oy Blind Vice has to be Debra Messing, and Butch Spit-Spat from One Karma-Killin' Blind Vice is Warren Beatty. So am I two for two?
      Kai
      Aiea, Hawaii Dear Balmy in the Brain:
    How can I put this? D.M. is way too dumb for Snarla’s correct identity, and Butch, well, let’s just say Butch wishes he were so good-looking. Far from it.
    E! Personalities, catt, sadler
    Dear Ted:
    In the famous words of George Lopez, "I got this!" One Whipping Oy Vice is sooo you and Catt Sandler.
      Kim
      Houston Dear En Famille:
    Sweet as I think Catt is, darlin’, I barely know the babe, just from getting coffee at the E! deli (a cesspool of grilled cheeses and even greasier grandstanding). Otherwise, you would be correct.
    Jennifer Aniston Paul Fenton/ZUMApress.com
    Dear Ted:
    Browhilda Frownfree = Jennifer Aniston? I always believed the stories that she and Brad didn't have sex for two years! Ha!
      Judy K
      Skokie, Ill. Dear Rachel Cut:
    And this gives you infinite giggles? First, ain’t Jen. Second, that vibrator workin’ for ya?
    Heath Ledger GreggDeGuire/WireImage.com
    Dear Ted:
    I appreciate the fact that you keep discussing Heath Ledger because it's important not to let things and people slip through the cracks, but please, stop! I'm done! I'm Heathed out! The overexposure is actually making me care less and less every time. And just a suggestion, but don't you think the column space would be better used in discussing living people who could possibly be heading down that same path (and aren't named Lindsay Lohan)?
      Theresa
      Portland, Ore. Dear Beating a Dead Horse:
    Admirable pitch, but no sale. Dear Ted:
    I’m sorry your friend Snarla won't come to your wedding. What a bitch! As for One Karma Killing Blind Vice, that situation is statutory rape and must be reported. Doesn't matter if the young'un is a boy or not, or willing or not. Legal age is legal age, my friend.
      Jamie
      Annapolis, Md. Dear Laughing Off the Law:
    Hey, at least it wasn’t Slurpa this time.
    Angelina Jolie Frederic Injimbert/ZUMAPress.com
    Dear Ted:
    Why do you hate Angelina Jolie so much? What has she done to you?
      Just Asking
      Portland, Ore. Dear Just Jumping to Conclusions:
    Have you even read the crap I write about Tom Cruise? Adore the dude! Same with Angie, you off Oregonian.
    FROM AROUND THE WEB
    MORE ON EONLINE

    RELATED VIDEOS: